#h

I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity. ↗

— Steven Wright

#infinity #humor

How can you protect yourself by carrying a sword if you don’t know how to use it?’ Not me, sir. Other people. They see the sword and don’t attack me,’ said Maladict patiently. Yes, but if they did, lad, you wouldn’t be any good with it,’ said the sergeant. No, sir. I’d probably settle for just ripping their heads off, sir. That’s what I mean by protection, sir. Theirs, not mine. And I’d get hell from the League if I did that, sir. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#self-defense #humor

Zoo-Wee Mama! ↗

— Jeff Kinney

#humor #person #stick #humor

A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart who looks at her watch. ↗

— James Beard

#gourmet #her #like #looks #tart

I don't have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better. ↗

— George Carlin

#humor

I just know once you're over your emotional outbursts, you'll come up with-' I mean if we even had a wheelbarrow, that would be something,' Westley said. ↗

— William Goldman

#humor

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. ↗

— Mark Twain

#humor

No one can be right all the time, but it helps to be right most of the time. ↗

— Robert Half

#humor

He was a writer and words were his weapons. ↗

— Christopher Moore

#words #writer #humor

…well just call me Hannibal Lecter. With cleavage. ↗

— Jeaniene Frost

#humor