#hum

I wish," I said. "I could save orgasms in a jar for when I need them, because I think I have a few extra. ↗

— Charlaine Harris

#jars #orgasm-orgasms #sex #wish #humor

Fuck rational thought ↗

— George Carlin

#inspirational #rational #thought #humor

If I read as many books as most men do, I would be as dull-witted as they are. ↗

— Thomas Hobbes

#witty #humor

But when I clicked over to my e-mail program, it was just another “great opportunity” spam, this time adding the words “don’t delete!” to the subject line. With a sense of perverse satisfaction, I deleted it. It was probably the only act of rebellion I’d get away with all day. ↗

— Shanna Swendson

#humor

You didn’t feed from her,” he said, and this was not a question. “Swill poison? Not my kind of fun, little brother.” One corner of Stefan’s mouth quirked up. He made no response to this, but simply looked at Damon with eyes that were... knowing. Damon bridled. “I told the truth!” “Going to take it up as a hobby? ↗

— L.J. Smith

#humanity #humor #snark #humor

I'm told I'm very charming when people do what I want. ↗

— Steven Brust

#personality #humor

There is a tiger in my room,' said Frances. 'Did he bite you?' said Father. 'No,' said Frances. 'Did he scratch you?' said Mother. 'No,' said Frances. 'Then he is a friendly tiger,' said Father. 'He will not hurt you. Go back to sleep. ↗

— Russell Hoban

#children-s-literature #humor #stalling #tigers #humor

I discovered that seventeen-year-old girls have such huge verbal energy that their brain drives them to expend it every twenty seconds. On the third day I decided I had to find her a boyfriend -- if possible, a deaf one. ↗

— Carlos Ruiz Zafón

#women #humor

You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar. ↗

— Charlaine Harris

#idiom #optimism #humor

There are no things man was not meant to know. There are, perhaps, things man is too dumb to figure out, but that's a different problem. ↗

— Michael Kurland

#humor #logic #science #humor