#hum

Alex propped himself against the metal railing where Willow had just stood. "Okay, let's get something straight," he said in Spanish."If you think I don't know you're after my girfriend, you're crazy. And if you try to put any sleazy moves on her while you're here, you're going to regret it." Seb's knapsack was at his feet. He took out a pack of cigarettes; tapped out the last one and lit it.Settling back against the door jamb, he gave Alex a considering, faintly humorous look. "Sleazy moves?" he repeated. "Don't worry, I don't do sleazy moves." "Let me rephrase," said Alex coldly "Any moves, just keep your hands off her. ↗

— L.A. Weatherly

#seb #humor

No more hanky-panky or you get more evil. ↗

— Michelle Rowen

#humor

I have no culture, no humane harmony in my brains. I can't live without a culture anymore. ↗

— Kurt Vonnegut

#humor #humor

I sometimes think that the saving grace of America lies in the fact that the overwhelming majority of Americans are possessed of two great qualities- a sense of humor and a sense of proportion. ↗

— Franklin D. Roosevelt

#humor #proportion #united-states #usa #humor

If I were you, And you were I, I would kill myself, But you would die! ↗

— Bruce Jennings

#insult #humor

The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is that vampires are allergic to bull shit. ↗

— Richard Pryor

#richard-pryor #stand-up-comedy #vampires #humor

Mia, I told you how I feel. I'm an asshole and I don't say or show how I feel very often, so how about you just fucking enjoy it." -Christopher Mason ↗

— Sadie Grubor

#love #romance #humor

Growing up, my parents never gave me as much as I wanted for my birthday. For example, one year I wanted a yo-yo, and they ended up giving me some wound up string. Gee, thanks, mom. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #humor

He punched me in the face," Ash said, who understandably did not seem to find the situation humorous at all. "And then he yelled at me for sleeping with our personal trainer!" "I was told breakup scenes were a good way to distract people," Jared said with beautiful simplicity. "Ash looked so surprised," Holly said. "He had no idea what was going on. He said, 'I didn't sleep with our personal trainer! We don't even have a personal trainer!'" Angela and Holly giggled. Ash held the back of his hand to his bleeding mouth and glared. Jared was still grinning like a maniac. "In that case," he told Ash solemnly, "I will consider taking you back. ↗

— Sarah Rees Brennan

#ash #break-ups #cousins #distractions #holly

Needless to say, they refused to submit to the Empire, conducting such a persistent guerrilla war that the Romans gave up hope of conquering Scotland, and the Wee Free Men remained both wee and free. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#humor