#hum

No, I do my torturing in the dungeon like any other respectable castle owner, ↗

— Jeaniene Frost

#vlad-tepesh #humor

I have a container full of yelling I keep in my kitchen. It makes a great cleaning product, as it’s wonderfully abrasive.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#clean #cleaning #funny #humor #kitchen

Claim whatever you want. Say you only want a happy family or a successful career or a big house. I say: no, that's not what you want. You'll settle for those things, but you really want a monkey that does your evil bidding. Pullman is a genius just for this. ↗

— Maureen Johnson

#humor #monkeys #family

I’m very close to my dad. He’s about six inches away right now and snoring in my ears. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#family #funny #humor #relationships #family

Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family. ↗

— Chelsea Handler

#family

A dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it. ↗

— Mary Karr

#humor #family

Smee, you are a supreme idjit." "Aye, Cap'n. ↗

— Ridley Pearson

#humor #obedience #smee #humor

And what else is she?" Jerome asked. Jazza didn't offer any reply so I chimed in with, "A bitchweasel?" "A bitchweasel!" Jazza's face lit up. "She's a bitchweasel! I love my new roommate. ↗

— Maureen Johnson

#humor

Humor is just another defense against the universe. ↗

— Mel Brooks

#humor #universe #humor

Josh pulls me aside. "Hey, About before, I just... I wanted to say ... well, I think you're pretty special." He says, kind of stumbling over the words a little. Like he's hesitant to say them, now i wish he'd hug me again. And then kiss me. But he doesn't. He just waves and walks off. I sigh. "Hannah, I just... I want you to know if I pause alot when I tell you how special you are I want you to think that I'm... very... very... deep," Finn says ↗

— Elizabeth Scott

#humor