#hum

This is the fast lane, folks...and some of us like it here. ↗

— Hunter S. Thompson

#witty #humor

Like I'm going to pass up an opportunity to smack your cousin. ↗

— Rachel Vincent

#tod #humor

Alexia figured, delightedly, that this meant he did, in fact, tend to traipse around his private apartments in the altogether. Marriage was becoming more and more of an attractive prospect. ↗

— Gail Carriger

#marriage #nudity #soulless #humor

If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell. ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor #humor

Everybody I know fails the acid test of friendship. ↗

— Bill Watterson

#friendship

Librarians are the secret masters of the world. They control information. Don't ever piss one off. ↗

— Spider Robinson

#librarians #humor

Sir Beldevere: What makes you think she's a witch? Peasant 3: Well, she turned me into a newt! Sir Beldevere: A newt? Peasant 3: [meekly after a long pause] ... I got better. Crowd: [shouts] Burn her anyway! ↗

— Graham Chapman

#movies #humor

God, if you ever loved me, open my eyes for me when I'm being this stupid! (Ron) ↗

— Kim Harrison

#humor

When forced to leave my house for an extended period of time, I take my typewriter with me, and together we endure the wretchedness of passing through the X-ray scanner. The laptops roll merrily down the belt, while I’m instructed to stand aside and open my bag. To me it seems like a normal enough thing to be carrying, but the typewriter’s declining popularity arouses suspicion and I wind up eliciting the sort of reaction one might expect when traveling with a cannon. It’s a typewriter,’ I say. ‘You use it to write angry letters to airport security. ↗

— David Sedaris

#humor

I love writing, but hate starting. The page is awfully white and it says, 'You may have fooled some of the people some of the time but those days are over, Giftless. I'm not your agent and I'm not your mommy: I'm a white piece of paper. You wanna dance with me?' and I really, really don't. I'll go peaceable-like. ↗

— Aaron Sorkin

#writing #humor