#hum

Failed relationships can be described as so much wasted makeup. Forget the laughs, forget the fights, forget the sex, forget the jealousy. But take off your hat and observe a moment's silence for the legions of unknown tubes of foundation, mascara, eyeliner, blusher and lipstick who died that it might all have been possible. But who died in vain. ↗

— Marian Keyes

#makeup #relationships #family

She headed for a wide flat rock on the creek's bank, her posture still demanding 'no trespassing' but no longer 'trespassers will be shot. ↗

— Kristen Heitzmann

#humor #trespassing #family

Darcy’s hand suddenly rammed angrily into a bowl of fruit and grasped an innocent, unsuspecting orange. “Enough. The woman is demented. Our marriage is simply something to which she must become adjusted. She insulted Elizabeth and her family, and in so doing, she insulted me.” With an expression as black as pitch, Darcy commenced to vivisecting the orange. By the time he finished with said orange, it was completely dead, thoroughly dead, with no semblance remaining of its prior orange existence. ↗

— Karen V. Wasylowski

#family

Heifer.” “Rich man’s whore!” “At least mine can cook the food he eats. And replaces it, too.” “Now see, Dee-Ann Smith. That was just mean! ↗

— Shelly Laurenston

#humor #mitch #ric #sissy #food

I never knew my father. I saw him at a party once, but he never walked over and introduced himself to me.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#father #funny #humor #introduce #introduction

It’s often said when a baby is born so is a grandparent; well, for me it turned out that when I was born it was also the birth of a Ding Dong. ↗

— Lisa A. Tortorello

#grandparents #humor #inspirational #love #family

Fo’ it be so clear to me now, with my family being black an white, that though we blacks have it very hard fo’ very long, we don’t own suffering. Abuse, slavery, injustice, an tribulation be part of human living. An if there be a question that be worth axing, rather than it be bout white or black, we might be wanting to ax how come it’s always us humans who be suffering an be mean to one another. We might want a be axing that instead. From: "Accidents of Birth Trilogy ↗

— Christina Carson

#love #race-relations #solving-human-problems #family

If the self-help books worked, it would be a shrinking industry not a growing one. ↗

— Steve Maraboli

#humor #life #self-help #humor

I was much affected by the internal troubles of the Punch family; I thought that with a little more tact on the part of Mrs. Punch and some restraint held over a temper, naturally violent, by Mr. Punch, a great deal of this sad misunderstanding might have been prevented. ↗

— Edmund Gosse

#irony #family

The mai tai got its name when two Polynesian alcoholics got in a fight over some neckwear. ↗

— George Carlin

#humor