#hum

[Or perhaps my friends should have realized that they shouldn't have left behind the FRICKING REASON FOR THEIR PROTEST! And that thought just cracked me up.] It was like my friends had walked over the backs of baby seals in order to get to the beach where they could protest against the slaughter of baby seals. ↗

— Sherman Alexie

#dark-humor #funny #irony #misguided-protest #protest

If I tell you another seven hundred times, maybe one of these days you might turn your clothes right side out when you put them in the hamper, eh? ↗

— Jodi Picoult

#humor #laundry #funny

Wait a minute, hold on... The dude dies, and the girl cries so hard that she gets turned into a fountain? ↗

— Caroline Goode

#humor #mythology #funny

For Breakfast I like my coffee warm and cozy and my eggs funny side up. ↗

— Stanley Victor Paskavich

#funny

I've heard there’s a lot of bagpiping in that house. I'd love to go check it out." "So...you want to join the secret society of revolutionary plumbers. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#humor #plumbing #secret-society #funny

Excuse me for a moment, will ye. I think I have to talk to the river,' he said unsteadily and flopped over the side-rail. ↗

— Ian Livingstone

#fantasy #funny #humour #stubble #zagor

Winston Gallagher!" I said, recognizing the first ghost I'de met. Then my eyes narrowed & I covered my hand in front of my crotch as I saw Winstons gaze fasten there next. "Don't even think about poltergeisting my panties again". "This is the sod? Come here you scurvy little--" "Bones don't!" I interrupted. He stopped, giving a last glare to him while mouthing YOU. ME. EXORCIST. before returning to my side. ↗

— Jeaniene Frost

#cat #humor #humor

Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple. ↗

— George Carlin

#life #school #humor

Christian is staring at us. He’s an only child and could never understand the delicate joys of sibling abuse. ↗

— Cynthia Hand

#siblings #humor

Back home, my favorite part of Mass was during communion, when I'd stand at the rail and hold a little gold platter under people's chins. The pretty girls would line up for communion (I confess to Almighty God). They'd kneel (and to you my brothers and sisters), cast their eyes demurely down (I have sinned through my own fault), and stick out their tongues (in my thoughts and in my words). Their tongues would shine, reflected in the gold platter, and since the wafer was dry, the girls would maybe lick their lips (and I ask Blessed Mary ever virgin, all the angels and saints, and you my brothers and sisters) before they swallowed (to pray for me to the Lord our God). It was all I could do not to pass out. ↗

— Rob Sheffield

#religion #home