#hum

Unbelievable! I said, "What would I be doing walking the streets at night as a stuffed olive- gate-crashing cocktail parties? ↗

— Louise Rennison

#humor #lousie-rennison #humor

A woman only drools on a man when she can't swallow his pride. It would be sacrificing her integrity to drool on the furniture. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #furniture #humor #integrity #men-and-women

Aping the lower class will only lead to fatherless children, unusable muscles, and the fear of tomorrow’s sobriety. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #lower-class #poor #working-class

The only purpose in making an appointment is to prolong the anticipation of one's presence. That’s why when I make dinner reservations, I hardly ever show up. It ensures the waiters are doing their job properly. ↗

— Bauvard

#dinner #funny #humor #reservations #servers

One never owns a book. It sits on your shelf in a fine edition like a piece of furniture, and you are its admiring ward until it flies off from you in a time of financial hardship. If it is a tattered paperback, she is your casual mistress you use a few times. If you have read it a hundred times then it is your wife, and a source of infinite mystery. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #libraries #ownership #funny

Someday I want to speckle myself into the sky, to stamp heaven with brand-name originality. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #immortality #stars #funny

The law and a thin veil of insincerity, all that prevents me from strangling an etiquette coach. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #law #manners #politeness

That's about as effective as a windshield wiper on a goat's ass. ↗

— Denise Tompkins

#humor #snarky-quotes #funny

Peace cannot be achieved; they have to be plucked out of their pod. ↗

— A.G. Phillips

#funny #humor #peace #peas #quote

We made it back to the airport without getting mugged, stoned, shot at, pounced on, bombed, shelled, garroted, gassed, pitched into, caught in a cross fire, sniped at, blockaded, napalmed, or trip-wired. No one even hit us with a water balloon. ↗

— Daniel Quinn

#funny #humor #ishmael #funny