#hum

Oh I don't mind going to weddings, just as long as it's not my own... ↗

— Tom Waits

#marrige #weddings #humor

You know what truth is? [...] It's some crazy thing my neighbor believes. If I want to make friends with him, I ask him what he believes. He tells me, and I say, "Yeah, yeah - ain't it the truth? ↗

— Kurt Vonnegut

#real-life #humor

I am an evil Giraffe. ↗

— Eddie Izzard

#humor

In the opening to the Mary Tyler Moore Show Mary's in the supermarket, hurrying through the aisles. She pauses at the meat case, picks up a steak and checks the price. Then rolls her eyes, shrugs and tosses it in the cart. That's kind of how I feel. Sure I would have liked things to be different. But, 'roll of eyes' what can you do? 'shrug' I threw the meat in my cart and moved on. ↗

— Augusten Burroughs

#humor

Did you know that I can see you? ↗

— Katt Williams

#humor

All writers are insane! ↗

— Cornelia Funke

#insanity #writers #humor

First, you start carrying a man satchel. Next thing you know, you're running around in a bathrobe and pink bunny slippers, chasing chickens with a weed whacker. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#humor

I still believe in the Holy Trinity, except now it's Target, Trader Joe's, and IKEA. ↗

— Jen Lancaster

#shopping #humor

You're some freaky shit, my brother. You really are ↗

— J.R. Ward

#brothers #humor #love #rhage #humor

Sorry. i just can't seem to help myself. My brain is freaking out. Two predawn mornings in a row. It doesn't know what to think, how to act. I'll have a talk with it later. Perhaps get it some counseling. ↗

— Darynda Jones

#humour #humor