#hum

I've got a dad thanks. Your just the jerk who knocked up my mum and left her to figure out what to do with a son who likes setting things on fire." - Adam Vasic ↗

— Kelley Armstrong

#humor #kelly-armstrong #thirteen #humor

On Valentine's Day, the Spirit Club plastered the school with red streamersand pink balloons and red and pink hearts. It looked like Clifford the Big Red Dog ate a flock of flamigoes and then barfed his guts up. ↗

— Carolyn Mackler

#valentine-s-day #humor

Like the ocean I wave. Hello and goodbye are the same, when I talk with my hand. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#goodbye #hello #humor #funny

Oh, seriously--how could you be miserable with twenty thingamabobs AND a snarfblat?! ↗

— John Bytheway

#humor

Say what you would about the dietary requirements, vampirism sure did do great things for the skin and body. ↗

— Nalini Singh

#humor

Kill me if I ever look that Bad" . . . "Dude, what are you saying? . . . On the TV? That is you, dude. From like five years ago. ↗

— Chuck Palahniuk

#narcissism #humor

She pulled down the blanket and aimed baby Sophie's bottom at him like she might unleash a fusillade of weapons-grade poopage such as the guileless Beta Male had never seen. ↗

— Christopher Moore

#humor

Alex moved closer to me, never taking his eyes from mine. “What if your eternity doesn’t start when you die?” he asked carefully. “What if your eternity has been going on since before you were born?” I stared at him with a blank face, wondering what drugs he was on. ↗

— Angela Corbett

#humor

When once married people begin to attack me with, 'Oh! you will think very differently, when you are married,' I can only say, 'No I shall not'; and then they say again, 'Yes you will,' and there is an end to it. ↗

— Jane Austen

#humor

Lady, I do not make up things. That is lies. Lies are not true. But the truth could be made up if yo know how. And that's the truth. ↗

— Lily Tomlin

#lies #truth #humor