#hum

Asshole," Ephraim muttered as he turned back around. Chris chuckeled. "Is that really any way to talk to your favorite child?" "You're not my favorite," Ephraim argued, but they both knew that was bullshit. "I don't have any favorites." "Puhlease," Chris said. "You fucking adore me... ↗

— R.L. Mathewson

#humor

This,’ whispered the Doctor to Romana, ‘is going to be like trying to find a book about needles in a room full of books about haystacks. ↗

— Gareth Roberts

#douglas-adams #humor #humor

Your job is obviously very pressured." "I thrive under pressure," I explain. Which is true. I've known that about myself ever since... Well. Ever since my mother told me when I was about 8. ↗

— Sophie Kinsella

#stress #humor

He shoved at me, tried to take control, but I was nothing if not made of stubborn. ↗

— Devon Monk

#humor

Gotta have my make up, in case I run into Joey and he wants to beat the shit out of me. Gotta look my best! Maybe he'll punch me repeatedly in the kidneys and the stomach so it doesn't mark up my face. He's so thoughtful! ↗

— George Carlin

#sarcasm #humor

'Oh- hey, there," he said. He was shorter than me, pudgy with salt-and-pepper hair that always seemed to be in need of a good conditioning. And he always wore sweatpants and T-shirts that had seen more abuse than narcotics. But he was a good landlord. When my heater stopped working in mid-December, it took him only two weeks to get it fixed. Of course, it took me knocking on his door in need of a warm place to sleep to get it that way, but one night on his sofa, where I'd suddenly developed night terrors and epilepsy, and that puppy was running like a Mercedes the next day. It was awesome. ↗

— Darynda Jones

#humor

You have delighted us long enough. ↗

— Jane Austen

#humor

Elizabeth Bennet, will you do me the great honor of not going to prom with me? ↗

— Elizabeth Eulberg

#humor #prom #relationships #humor

Sometimes I had difficulty remembering that "all you can eat" is not a personal challenge. ↗

— Marika Christian

#gluttony #humor #humor

Why, a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it. ↗

— Groucho Marx

#humor #humor