#hum

Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple. ↗

— George Carlin

#life #school #humor

Christian is staring at us. He’s an only child and could never understand the delicate joys of sibling abuse. ↗

— Cynthia Hand

#siblings #humor

Back home, my favorite part of Mass was during communion, when I'd stand at the rail and hold a little gold platter under people's chins. The pretty girls would line up for communion (I confess to Almighty God). They'd kneel (and to you my brothers and sisters), cast their eyes demurely down (I have sinned through my own fault), and stick out their tongues (in my thoughts and in my words). Their tongues would shine, reflected in the gold platter, and since the wafer was dry, the girls would maybe lick their lips (and I ask Blessed Mary ever virgin, all the angels and saints, and you my brothers and sisters) before they swallowed (to pray for me to the Lord our God). It was all I could do not to pass out. ↗

— Rob Sheffield

#religion #home

We came around the corner and stood in the doorway of what looked like a paint-testing ground. This was where we proved once and for all that we were good loving parents. We decided to let him live. "What is painting doing in my best Tupperware bowl?" I yelled. "Well, I needed something lightweight I could carry around with me," he began. "You've been carrying around a brain for year," the boy's father said. ↗

— Sylvia Harney

#home-disasters #humor #parents #sarcasm #home

I don't need new boots I got bluchers back down home. Eff the effing bluchers I'll buy you new adjectival effing elastic sided boots. ↗

— Peter Carey

#profanity #home

But I didn't want to be anyone's green card ticket, meal ticket, cook, washing lady, housemaid, personal masseuse, baby machine, regularly-scheduled-hole in the mattress. Only to end up dead, discarded, buried in a ditch somewhere, dumped into the big, blue sea, all used up. Boys should just stay home and fuck their mothers. ↗

— Angela S. Choi

#home

Just give me a second. Attempting to give a fuck...Attempting harder to give a fuck...Sorry, there was an error; fuck not given. ↗

— Suzanne Wright

#humor

The problem with at-home IQ tests is that too many people wouldn't understand the results. Calling customer service is a bad sign. ↗

— Iimani David

#humorous #home

Anya jumped in front of the man, acting as his shield. “Now, Sabin. He didn’t mean any harm. He’s borderline stupid. You know that. ↗

— Gena Showalter

#lords-of-the-underworld #william #humor

Have you made any other friends since we've been here?" I gave him the death stare. "Yes, actually." "Who? I want a name." "Jamie Roth." "The Ebola kid? I heard he's a little unstable." "That was one incident. ↗

— Michelle Hodkin

#mara-dyer #ya #death