#hum

This is like a cookie, it tastes like a cookie having sex with a doughnut. ↗

— Daniel Handler

#cookies #humor #humor

There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open? ↗

— Woody Allen

#new-york-city #humor

And try to remember what we discussed, Susannah. A mediator is someone who helps others resolve conflicts. Not someone who, er, kicks them in the face. ↗

— Meg Cabot

#humor

Bean finds the best apple in our tree and hands it up to me. "You know what this tastes like when you first bite into it?" she asks. "No, what?" "Blue sky." "You're zoomed." "You ever eat blue sky?" "No," I admit. "Try it sometime," she says. "It's apple-flavored. ↗

— Rodman Philbrick

#humor #inspirational #life #obvious #humor

You mean he came to your school? The scandalous rodent-loaf! ↗

— Laini Taylor

#insults #rodents #humor

My Zombie apocalypse plan is simple but effective; I fully intend to die in the very first wave. Seems more logical than undergoing all kinds of hardships only to die eventually anyway (through bites/malnutrition/or terminally chapped lips) ↗

— Graham Parke

#humor #zombie #humor

Why can't these American women stay in their own country? They are always telling us that it is the paradise for women. It is. That is the reason why, like Eve, they are so excessively anxious to get out of it. ↗

— Oscar Wilde

#escape #eve #humor #paradise #sarcasm

Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speak by something outside himself-like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks. ↗

— Jean Kerr

#conversation #gender #humor #language #men

It's about time! It's supposed to be a ritual, not a marathon. ↗

— Karen Chance

#humor #romance #supernatural #vampire #humor

Ocean: A body of water occupying two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills. ↗

— Ambrose Bierce

#humor #water #humor