#hum

Do not listen to her," Alaric said. "She is going to tell you in some kind of code only the two of you will understand, because you are siblings, to call the police on your cell phone. But if you do that, I will kill you and dispose of your body in a place where no one will find it. The river, I think. Your doorman is so stupid, he won't notice if I leave this building carrying a body in a rolled-up carpet. ↗

— Meg Cabot

#humor

Yeah, mom, I'll just keep telling the prince that he has absolutely no shot with me and offend him as often as I can. Great plan ↗

— Kiera Cass

#humor

[Harriet] hated math. She hated math with every bone in her body. She spent so much time hating it that she never had time to do it. ↗

— Louise Fitzhugh

#humor

We gotta keep you alive, Zoey. Not just casue we love you more than white bread, but cause you have to save the world. ↗

— P.C.Cast

#humor

Any time I’m not shooting my mouth off to a clichéd, two-bit creature of the night like you, it’s because I’m up to something. ↗

— Jim Butcher

#humor #humor

It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. It took one afternoon on the golf course. ↗

— Hank Aaron

#golf #humor #sports #humor

I'm not really sure what makes a book a 'classic' to begin with, but I think it has to be at least fifty years old and some person or animal has to die at the end. ↗

— Jeff Kinney

#humor #humor

I don't want unnecessary violence, sergeant," said Blouse. "Right you are, sir!" said the sergeant. "Carborundum! First man comes through that door runnin', I want him nailed to the wall!" He caught the lieutenant's eye, and added: "But not too hard! ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#military #violence #humor

It is a sin to believe evil of others but it is seldom a mistake. ↗

— Garrison Keillor

#humor #humor

Then he reached up and tore my shirtfront open. "Not much to see, is there?" I said, struggling to talk with a crushed windpipe. "I know, I know, they can fix things like that these days. Call me a feminist, but I think a woman's worth should be defined not by the size of her bust, but - " I rammed my fist up into his Adam's apple. He grunted and stumbled back. "- by the strength of her right hook. ↗

— Kelley Armstrong

#humor