#hum

8:58 We go to McDonald's. The woman in front of me in line spends more than five seconds contemplating her order. This infuriates me, "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?? MC-SEABASS?? IT'S THE GODDAMN MCDONALDS'S MENU, IT'S BEEN THE SAME FOR TEN YEARS! IT'S ALL MCSHIT!JUST ORDER! ↗

— Tucker Max

#insult #mcdonalds #humor

It's the perfect solution. We argue all the time. We can't stand each other. It's like we're already married." -Leo Hathaway to Cat- ↗

— Lisa Kleypas

#hathaways #humor #leo #marriage #humor

The spell...curled around...like smoke before settling in. Sophie: "Okay, do you guys feel protected?" Archer: "Yes. Also a little violated, but that's neither here nor there. ↗

— Rachel Hawkins

#magic #humor

Courtesy of their tempers, both were now dressed in the Captain Asshole costume—which included, for no extra charge, the cape of disgrace, the booties of shame, and keys to the Fuck Up mobile. ↗

— J.R. Ward

#humor #tohrment #humor

So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns. ↗

— Stephen Colbert

#humor

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy. ↗

— Robert Fulghum

#humor

To have not shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak. ↗

— Jon Stewart

#humor

Oh, how I regret not having worn a bikini for the entire year I was twenty-six. If anyone young is reading this, go, right this minute, put on a bikini, and don't take it off until you're thirty-four. ↗

— Nora Ephron

#humorous #skinny #humor

Sure, he had a wife and fifty-four kids, but he looked like a college freshman. A yummy college freshman majoring in Oh-my-god-I-gotta-get-me-some-of-that. ↗

— Kim Harrison

#humor

I've never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don’t like eating fish. And I know that's very popular out there in Africa. ↗

— Britney Spears

#dumb #fish #humor #japan #stupid