#hum

When it comes to being famous, you’re usually the last to know, and the first to deny it. Unless you were already famous in your head. In which case, party on, Wayne! Party on, Garth! ↗

— Carroll Bryant

#funny-humor #humor #humorous #funny

There may be a sucker born every minute, but every 30 seconds a lollipop pops out.
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— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #funny #humor #random #random-thought

That’s funny. You would think after being followed and shoved into a dark alley by a stranger, you would be at least a little shaken. Don’t tell me, you are a black belt just waiting for the perfect moment to strike.” He laughed soundlessly. “I mean your words do sound brave but your eyes and the fact that you’re trembling like a scared little kitten say something else entirely.” Even though the alley was submerged in darkness and shadows, it was obvious there was a devilish grin stretched across his face... ↗

— Nicole Rae

#clandestine #scary-humor #slayer #supernatural #vampire

I recorded the ding-dong sound that shoplifting sensors at the doors of Wal-Mart make. Now I just stand at the exit and press play as people try to leave. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #shoplifting #funny

I have two problems with hard labor: hard and labor. I prefer soft, and I’d prefer not giving birth. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #funny

My medication must be wearing off I'm starting to think my jokes are funny. ↗

— Stanley Victor Paskavich

#funny

My superhero weapon is my Anti-Gravity Goo Shooter. I was born with it, and at the gym it’s known as my “penis. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #superhero #funny

Friend: a stranger in hard times. Friends: the street mob that robs you. ↗

— Bauvard

#friendship #funny #humor #strangers #friendship

Was it my fault that I got out of hand? --Loki ↗

— Joanne Harris

#funny #humor #humour #loki #funny

A blanket could be twirled in the air, like a new idea in your mind, and then either discarded or folded up like a wearable memory.
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny