#humor

First bubble baths. Now Disney parks. You're shattering every creep vampire myth I've ever heard. ↗

— Jeaniene Frost

#kira #mencheres #myth #vampires #humor

I live for the present and foot the bill to whoever wasn’t invited. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #life #spontaneity #funny

Professor: A mind not broad enough to encompass its specific sub-discipline, so it loses itself within its position instead. If nothing else, others will be made to grasp the meaning of 'Emeritus' – through its effects if not its etymology. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #professor #funny

I've always found exercise to be an awful hindrance to my well-being, and nature to have a stifling atmosphere. In combination they would be fatal. I do admit, though, that exercise is quite majestic when seen from a distance. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #nature #funny

I hope it won't be too aristocratic of me to pass some noble gas. ↗

— Bauvard

#flatulence #funny #humor #nobility #funny

Plastic surgery is for dolls. I am a mannequin of life. I have a particularly charming effect when seen through glass. ↗

— Bauvard

#good-looks #handsomeness #humor #plastic-surgery #funny

Thank goodness it only lasted a minute or so. The inhalant, that is. The sex was rather longer ↗

— Belle de Jour

#humor #humorous-quotes #funny

MRS. RASKINS: Slow dancing isn't about moving. It’s about body heat. LUKE: Was slow dancing invented to cure hypothermia? MRS. RASKINS: No, hypothermia was invented to give people an excuse to slow dance. LUKE: So that's what they did on polar expeditions. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #hypothermia #funny

Being upright and uncompromising will lead to unemployment by themselves. But to be willfully ignorant of a calling in life as well, that is the denial of a born alcoholic. ↗

— Bauvard

#callings #denial #funny #humor #jobs

I prefer to have people read books for me and then summarize them in a few sentences. It’s the same as if I had read them myself, except it takes longer. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #reading #summarizing #funny