#humor

I'm a shreddermouf, aren't I?' 'I was afraid of that,' said Tansy. He was going to keep her in his larder until he was hungy again, and then he was going to rip her apart. 'Dis is my lair', said the shreddermouth proudly. 'It's de best lair in Tiratattle.' 'Is it?' said Tansy. 'Oh yes. It's a drainage tunnel. Goes right up to de surface, it does. Lots of storage space. My name's Gulp.' 'Tansy,' said Tansy, deciding not to ask him what he kept in his storage space and wondering whether introductions were quite the thing. ↗

— Elizabeth Kay

#hopeless-situation #humor #introductions #lair #men-eating-monster

[Out loud] Kitty: I object! [Telephathically] Scott: What? Emma: Bugger, was that acting? Colossus: Is not courtroom, Katya. Kitty: Shut up! I'm not good at having two conversations at once. And I hate Scott's plan! Scott: You mean you"object" to it. ↗

— Joss Whedon

#men

I learned another rule, men don't buy men flowers ↗

— Dora Okeyo

#love

We go to school so that when we grow up we can make lots of money, and we make lots of money so we can provide for our children, and we have children to provide for our retirement (because we don’t have any money left). ↗

— R.M. ArceJaeger

#philosophical #money

ELVIS & MARILYN: The deader they get - the more money they make. ↗

— Chocolate Waters

#humorous #money

Choosing friends based on how much money they have is like betting on a horse because you like its saddle. ↗

— Stephen Smoke

#humor #money #money

But you see, I am in a similar situation. I do not control the little devil sitting on my left shoulder. The devil is saying, "PRINT THE PICTURE PRINT THE PICTURE TAPE IT UP ALL OVER SCHOOL DO IT DO IT DO IT." And then on my right shoulder, there is a little tiny white angel. And the angel is saying, "Man, I sure as **** hope all those freshmen get their money bright and early on Monday morning." So do I, little angel. So do I. ↗

— John Green

#money

A brick could be attached to a parachute and tossed out of an airplane, to test if it opens up properly. Well, the good news is the parachute worked as planned, but the bad news is the only other parachute on board is strapped to my back, and I’m afraid you’re going to have to return to your seat, buckle up, and assume the crash position. And while it may not be as useful as a functioning parachute, here’s a Rosary to aid you in your prayers. Also, before I jump out of the plane, I just remembered that I owe you a lot of money. Can I write you a check?
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket #funny #humor #random #strange

Max would conclude, "that's who I want to be. The pope. And I'll do the same thing he does. I'll keep all the goddamn money. ↗

— Richard Russo

#money #pope #money

Star Wars is not entertainment. Star Wars is George Lucas masturbating to a picture of Joseph Campbell and conning billions of people into watching the money shot. ↗

— John Scalzi

#science-fiction #star-wars #money