#humor

Last month she’d read that a man’s connective tissue aligned horizontally with the skin, whereas a female’s went perpendicular—which was why women got lumpy cellulite and men didn’t. And doesn’t that totally prove that God is male? ↗

— Cherise Sinclair

#men-and-women #men

I'm a shreddermouf, aren't I?' 'I was afraid of that,' said Tansy. He was going to keep her in his larder until he was hungy again, and then he was going to rip her apart. 'Dis is my lair', said the shreddermouth proudly. 'It's de best lair in Tiratattle.' 'Is it?' said Tansy. 'Oh yes. It's a drainage tunnel. Goes right up to de surface, it does. Lots of storage space. My name's Gulp.' 'Tansy,' said Tansy, deciding not to ask him what he kept in his storage space and wondering whether introductions were quite the thing. ↗

— Elizabeth Kay

#hopeless-situation #humor #introductions #lair #men-eating-monster

[Out loud] Kitty: I object! [Telephathically] Scott: What? Emma: Bugger, was that acting? Colossus: Is not courtroom, Katya. Kitty: Shut up! I'm not good at having two conversations at once. And I hate Scott's plan! Scott: You mean you"object" to it. ↗

— Joss Whedon

#men

I learned another rule, men don't buy men flowers ↗

— Dora Okeyo

#love

Never in my life did I lend the unfortunate Dmitri Fyodorovich Karamazov (for he is unfortunate now, in any case) the sum of three thousand roubles today, or any other money, never, never! I swear to it by all that is holy in our world." Khokhlakov ↗

— Fyodor Dostoyevsky

#money

Restraining, saving, assuring your checkbook balance...what does all taht amount to? If I go broke one day I'll just take out loans ↗

— Novala Takemoto

#loans #money #money

Governments were only invented to give banks a medium of exchange. Politicians are the only universal currency. ↗

— Bauvard

#currency #funny #government #humor #money

Hacker with Bullhorn: "Save your money! Accept one of our free tanks! It is invulnerable, and can drive across rocks and swamps at ninety miles an hour while getting a hundred miles to the gallon!" Prospective Station Wagon Buyer: "I know what you say is true...but...er...I don't know how to maintain a tank!" Bullhorn: "You don't know how to maintain a station wagon either!" Buyer: "But this dealership has mechanics on staff. If something goes wrong with my station wagon, I can take a day off work, bring it here, and pay them to work on it while I sit in the waiting room for hours, listening to elevator music." Bullhorn: "But if you accept one of our free tanks, we will send volunteers to your house to fix it for free while you sleep!" Buyer: "Stay away from my house, you freak! ↗

— Neal Stephenson

#money

(…) my money guy Richard is going without a tie now, like a politician who wants to appeal to the suffering common man (or perhaps every morning his firm takes the ties and shoelaces away from the brokers and financial planners to keep them from offing themselves) ↗

— Jess Walter

#finance #humor #suicide #money

„Listen,” Richard says, „unless you're about to inherit some money, what we're talking about here is irreversible, fatal. You have fiscal Ebola, Matt. You are bleeding out through your nose and your mouth and your eye sockets, from your financial asshole.” See! Fiscal Ebola? My financial asshole is bleeding? This was exactly why I started poetfolio.com; there are money poets everywhere. ↗

— Jess Walter

#humor #money