#humor

Discretion prevented me from saying that I thought she was a fiend from the underworld and that mountain lions couldn't force me to enter her service. ↗

— Megan Whalen Turner

#humor #humor

Since I came to the White House, I've gotten two hearing aids, had a colon operation, a prostate operation, skin cancer, and I've been shot...damn thing is, I've never felt better. ↗

— Ronald Reagan

#operation #humor

I got hard and he was there and the next thing I knew he was on his knees. I mean, I was going to step away, but he licked me. ↗

— Anne Tenino

#humor

One should never marry a man who doesn't own a decent set of scissors. ↗

— Gillian Flynn

#scissors #humor

Frank tried to look like he was wrestling with his conscience, although he couldn't have found his conscience without a shovel and an exhumation order. ↗

— John Connolly

#humor

I brandished my parasol at him like a rapier. 'You, sir, are an abominable scalawag of a man, and I'll be damned if I let you threaten me. ↗

— Susan Dennard

#parasols #scalawags #strong-heroines #humor

Well, I'm more lopsided than a one legged badger," mewed Graypaw, breaking off from his carful stalking to stagger comically across the clearing. "I think I'll have to settle for hunting stupid mice. They won't stand a chance. I shall just wander up to them and sit on them till they surrender. ↗

— Erin Hunter

#graypaw #humor #into-the-wild #humor

And if the inevitability of human oblivion worries you, I encourage you to ignore it. ↗

— John Green

#oblivion #humor

I mean it," I said. "You're in danger." "Relax, Harry. I'm not letting anyone lick me, and I'm not looking anyone in the eyes. It's kind of like visiting New York. ↗

— Jim Butcher

#new-york-city #humor

What about the whiskey?" Jack said as they ran. "Won't it keep them out?" The Green Maidens don't drink anything but blood." Bob's disembodied voice floated after them. "The whiskey magick won't affect them." Wonderful," the old actor muttered, a tremor of fear in his voice. "I should've poured a Bloody Mary. ↗

— Lesley Livingston

#drinks #faeries #humor #humor