#humor

Therefore was I created with a stubborn outside, with an aspect of iron, that when I come to woo ladies, I fright them. But, in faith, Kate, the elder I wax, the better I shall appear. My comfort is that old age, that ill layer-up of beauty, can do no more spoil upon my face. Thou hast me, if thou hast me, at the worst, and thou shalt wear me, if thou wear me, better and better. ↗

— William Shakespeare

#love #age

I am in love, and the river is beginning to ice over. I’d better go drown myself before I freeze to death.
 ↗

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

#death #drown #freeze #freezing #funny

She fitted into my biggest arm-chair as if it had been built round her by someone who knew they were wearing arm-chairs tight about the hips that season ↗

— P.G. Wodehouse

#humor

Besides, Southerners are hospitable. They'll probably offer me lemonade." Excuse me? You're going to sit on a porch and drink lemonade while I plow a swamp with a goat's horn?" Yes, ma'am. And I aim to wear my seamless shirt while you do it. ↗

— Nancy Werlin

#humor

My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band. ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor

My powers of persuasion are only as strong as the bullshit I have to back it up. - Charley Davidson ↗

— Darynda Jones

#humor #humor

Holding a tear back makes them drain upward, higher and higher, until one day your head just explodes and you're left with a stub of a neck and nothing more. ↗

— Alice Hoffman

#humor

Let me express how much I don't care on a scale from one to bite me ↗

— Darynda Jones

#humor #humor

So, technically," Simon said, "even though Jace isn't actually related to you, you have kissed your brother. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#simon-lewis #humor

Brick could be the codename for Rick B. But why the need for secrecy? If I told you I’d have to blanket you.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny