#humor

Overheard at O'Banion's Beer Emporium: "Pardon me, darlin', but I'm writin' a telephone book. C'n I have yer number? ↗

— Henry D. Spalding

#irish #phone-number #pick-up-line #humor

baloney is flattery so thick it cannot be true; blarney is flatter so thin we like it. ↗

— Monsignor Fulton J. Sheen

#blarney #compliment #flattery #humor #humor

The satisfying sound of bone giving way, as well as his outraged cry, made the you-had-it-coming-asshole angles sing. ↗

— J.A. Saare

#humor #ja-saare #renfield-syndrome #rhiannon #rhiannon-s-laws

What's with that?' Butters screamed, his voice high and frightened. 'Just covering his head with his arms? Didn't he see the lawyer in the movie? ↗

— Jim Butcher

#humor

Careful, your crazy's showing. ↗

— Cristy Quinn

#humor

She sat down at the table and spent a good hour talking about her husband. She told Judith how they'd met, how he relentlessly pursued her, and finished by mentioning just a hundred or two of his special qualities. The only thing the man wasn't capable of was walking on water… yet. Judith made that comment when her friend paused for breath. ↗

— Julie Garwood

#humor

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? -Ursula K. Le Guin, author (b. 1929) ↗

— Ursula K. Le Guin

#insanity #sanity #society #humor

I'm an elephant today. I will need to have lots of room and also a bowl of water on the floor. ↗

— Jesse Ball

#elephant #humor #personal-space #silly #humor

When I opened the last [401k] statement, I jumped out of the window. True, it was the kitchen window and I only fell two feet, so the whole scene lacked drama, but I thought that was the required reaction to extreme financial turmoil in America. And I am nothing if not patriotic. ↗

— Celia Rivenbark

#humor #humor

Does the Pope love Jesus? ↗

— Dana Marie Bell

#humor