#humor

Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset. ↗

— Stephen Colbert

#humor

There are four simple ways for the observant to tell Mr. Croup and Mr. Vandemar apart: first, Mr. Vandemar is two and a half heads taller than Mr. Croup; second, Mr. Croup has eyes of a faded china blue, while Mr. Vandemar's eyes are brown; third, while Mr. Vandemar fashioned the rings he wears on his right hand out of the skulls of four ravens, Mr. Croup has no obvious jewelery; fourth, Mr. Croup likes words, while Mr. Vandemar is always hungry. Also, they look nothing at all alike. ↗

— Neil Gaiman

#humor

And what have I done?" What? WHAT?...You've stolen them." With that, Cornelia fled, but Buttercup understood; she knew who "them" was. The boys. The beef-witted featherbrained rattledskulled clodpated dim-domed noodle-noggined sapheaded lunk-knobbed BOYS. ↗

— William Goldman

#humor

The true New Yorker secretly believes that people living anywhere else have to be, in some sense, kidding. ↗

— John Updike

#new-york-city #humor

Sam. I've got news for you. Not every childhood trauma can be healed by finding the right penis." Sam looked devastated. He opened and closed his mouth, eyes wide, then suddenly slumped back against the railing, unable to support himself anymore. "You mean," his voice was barely a whisper. "All those romance novels lied? ↗

— Anne Tenino

#humor #sexual-healing #humor

It begins in the heart...and it hurts when it's true. It only hurts because it's true. ↗

— Morrissey

#lyrics #music #humor

His arms went round my waist. He had a big grin, full of teeth like stars. "You saying you're the jealous sort,Scar?" "I'm saying that some girls slap, but I have knives. ↗

— A.C. Gaughen

#humor

You're kidding," Shane said. "Do you think I want to visit Crazy McTeeth in his lair of insanity?" "No," Claire said, "but I'm pretty sure you won't like it if I go alone when I just kind of promised to be with you. So...?" "Right. I've been missing Nutty McFang anyway." "Stop making up names for him." "What about Count Crackula?" "Just stop. ↗

— Rachel Caine

#humour #humor

Where does a werewolf sleep? Anywhere he wants to. ↗

— Patricia Briggs

#mercedes #humor

I told them he'd be able to get you to go out." Rianne folded her winnings and tucked the bills into her blazer pocket. "Look at him." "He's right here, Ri," Carla murmured, shooting Keenan an apologetic look. "We've tried to teach her manners, but..." She shrugged. "It's like housebreaking a dog. If we'd had her when she was a puppy, maybe." Rianne smacked her on the arm, but she was grinning. "Woof, woof. ↗

— Melissa Marr

#humor