#humor

Hey I know a joke! A squirrel walks up to a tree and says, 'I forgot to store acorns for winter and now I am dead.' Ha! It is funny because the squirrel gets dead. ↗

— Bob Peterson and Peter Docter (Up screenplay)

#funny

Is this why you think you are chosen by God, because only you can understand the funnies that you make about yourself? ↗

— Jonathan Safran Foer

#funny

Red tape is being mishandled as government wrapping paper. We should be putting it over politicians’ mouths instead. ↗

— Bauvard

#government #humor #politicians #red-tape #funny

When there's an attractive lifeguard on duty I always drown at least twice. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #lifeguards #funny

Number of empty Ben & Jerry's containers: 3 -- two mint chocolate cookie, one plain vanilla. (Who buys plain vanilla ice cream from Ben & Jerry's, anyway? Is there a greater waste?) ↗

— Ally Carter

#ice-cream #taste #variety #humor

Rabbit's clever," said Pooh thoughtfully. "Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit's clever." "And he has Brain." "Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit has Brain." There was a long silence. "I suppose," said Pooh, "that that's why he never understands anything. ↗

— A.A. Milne

#cleverness #humor #piglet #understanding #winnie-the-pooh

I should never be left alone with my mind for too long. ↗

— Libba Bray

#humor #insanity #humor

That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment. ↗

— Dorothy Parker

#humor #the-new-yorker #humor

Are you sleepwalking?' A voice asked behind me. "I was testing dorm security," I said. "It sucks. ↗

— Richelle Mead

#humor

I wasn't fooled. He was avoiding looking at me. "There's nothing to talk about." "I knew you'd say that. Actually, it was a toss-up between that and 'I don't know what you're talking about.'" Dimitri sighed. ↗

— Richelle Mead

#humor #humor