#humor

I've got daughters. Nine years old and six years old. First of all, I'm gonna teach them about values and morals. But if they make a mistake, I don't want them PUNISHED with a baby. ↗

— Barack Obama

#politics #humor

We have nothing to fear but our mothers. ↗

— Anne Taintor

#humor

Cofishes-other fish in a group, coworkers, cohorts, etc. Shut up, it's a word. ↗

— Christopher Moore

#humor

Jack," said Charles, "he's making up words again." "Yes," Jack replied, "but he's getting better at it, don't you think? ↗

— James A. Owen

#humor #humor

We are now the proud owners of a white boy. Now we have to shop in the caucasian isle and get sunscreen, mayonaise and mild salsa because the other ones really hawt! ↗

— George Lopez

#humor

When a kid says "smell my hand," it almost never smells like cinnamon. ↗

— Brian P. Cleary

#kids #observational-comedy #humor

Don't mess with me, Calvin. You'll only get hurt. ↗

— Susan Elizabeth Phillips

#humor

You is getting nosier than a parker. ↗

— Roald Dahl

#humor #humor

But if I hadn't shoved you off the boat back there,you'd be lost at sea now,wouldn't you? We'd all be lost! So thanks to me you're all standing on land." (Pirates, its a good thing they're idiots) ↗

— Dave Barry

#humor

Hallo, Eeyore." "Same to you, Pooh Bear, and twice on Thursdays," said Eeyore gloomily. Before Pooh could say: 'Why Thursdays?' Christopher Robin began to explain the sad story of Eeyore's lost house. ↗

— A.A. Milne

#humor