#humor

He is teaching them to eat those seeds,” she said through clenched teeth, “out of Raina and Berdine’s hands. The two of them were giggling.” – Cara ↗

— Terry Goodkind

#chipmunks #humor #humor

Somebody stop the world. I'm scared and I want to get off. ↗

— James Delano

#humor #humor

What the hell?” I muttered. Then I realized it was Jack Quinn’s car. Jack was a Hound and Bea’s boyfriend. The left blinker flashed on for just a second, and then Jack drove at speed again. “Zayvion, I’m sorry to tell you I think I have a crush on another man.” “Who is this unfortunate and soon-to-be-dead fool?” he asked. “Jack. That’s his car. He must have been waiting for us, or maybe he followed us.” “Jack Quinn has been following us?” Shame said. “And now he’s taking us to Collins, I think.” “Or a trap,” Shame said. “He’s a Hound, Shame.” “My statement stands.” “You still don’t get it, do you?” I turned left, following the car. “Hounds are loyal. Jack and Bea told me they’d help me if they could. They’re not going to turn against me while I’m in trouble.” “What happens when you’re not in trouble?” Shame asked. “Don’t know. It’s never happened. ↗

— Devon Monk

#humor #shame #humor

I stabbed him,” Flit said weakly, clutching at the tattered remains of Talon’s shirt. “With pens,” Talon agreed. “Is he dead?” Flit’s eyes were huge, the pupils blown black, only a sliver of color showing around the edges. He was probably going into shock. “I don’t think so,” Talon said. “It’s pretty hard to die by pen. ↗

— Aggy Bird

#funny

The elevator turned out to be slower than the damned train at Disney World. And it played “The Girl from Ipanema” in Muzak. I looked at Paris and saw that he was mouthing the lyrics. That was it. I’d have to plan an intervention for him once we got home. ↗

— Leslie Langtry

#humor

That really pissed me off, because I am worth it, goddamn it!” “I know you—” “Still talking here! ↗

— Robin L. Rotham

#hurt-feelings #lovers #makeup #humor

SHUT UP!...PADLE! ↗

— Ridley Pearson

#humor

Someone knocks on the door. Laylah's eyes widen in alarm. Josiah looks like he's just been condemned to hell. "It's just my dinner," says Raffe. ↗

— Susan Ee

#raffe #humor

A mother, you son-of-a-bitch, is sacred! ↗

— Andrzej Sapkowski

#humor

Anyway, I'm in bed with her, with her bracelets. Her face is a blank, so I darken the lights. Off go her silky undergarments. The bracelets are all she has on. They glint slightly, a pleasant muffled clinking on the sheets. I have a hard-on. Which, halfway down the ladder, is what I noticed. Just great. Why now? Why didn't I get an erection when I needed one? And why was I getting so excited over two lousy bracelets? Especially under this slicker, with the world about to end. ↗

— Haruki Murakami

#humor #irony #humor