#humor

Because that’s where I keep my Great Big Book of Manners by Emily Post and I want to beat you with it. ↗

— Susan Bischoff

#humor

And in the fountain squatted a giant crab. I’m not talking ‘giant’ like $7.99 all-you-can-eat Alaskan king crab. I’m talking ‘giant’ like bigger than the fountain. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#humor

Make me proud today, Robmeister. Keep your hands to yourself and remember rule number one above all things.' 'Don't discuss politics.' 'No, the other one.' Robbie nods. 'Don't eat glue.' He drops his chin. 'It's my weakness. ↗

— Jenny B. Jones

#humor #politics #robbie #humor

The spirit was willing but the flesh was weak. ↗

— David Mitchell

#humor #humor

Life makes fools of us all sooner or later. But keep your sense of humor and you'll at least be able to take your humiliations with some measure of grace. In the end, you know, it's our own expectations that crush us." -- from Skippy Dies ↗

— Paul Murray

#quotes #humor

Baptists: I'm a pious guy, but even I have my limits. I draw the line right around spending 8 hours in church every Sunday. Church should be a solemn 45 minutes to sit quietly and feel guilty, with donuts at the end to make you feel better. I don't go in for a full day of singing and dancing and rejoicing, no matter how nice the hats are. I prefer my Gospel monotonously droned to me from a pulpit, thank you very much. ↗

— Stephen Colbert

#religion #humor

The kakapo is a bird out of time. If you look one in its large, round, greeny-brown face, it has a look of serenely innocent incomprehension that makes you want to hug it and tell it that everything will be all right, thought you know that it probably will not be. ↗

— Douglas Adams

#kakapo #science #humor

Hail to the Victorious Parasol! ↗

— Gail Carriger

#humor

That could be a very sexy story. ↗

— LynDee Walker

#humor #mystery #news #reporter #women

I once met a man who was paranoid about dying, so i shot him ↗

— Mark Brandon Read

#humor