#humor

Woman! Come out! I have—" She looked down at the bloodless grass, embarrassed. "I have come to rescue you," she finally said, as if admitting that she were covered in boils. ↗

— Catherynne M. Valente

#rescuing #witches #humor

But first, I want the pleasure of telling you that you are fired. I fire you. I fire you and all your relatives. I fire your ancestors and your descendants. I fire the very air you breathe and the ground you walk upon. ↗

— Z.A. Maxfield

#humor

There are levels of humor. The level above mine is invisible and inaudible. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#inaudible #invisible #levels #humor

Oh, please," I rolled my eyes, "You're a leftie, Barrons." "Touche, Ms. Lane," he murmured. ↗

— Karen Marie Moning

#innuendo #humor

Don’t be an idiot,” Terric said. “You were unconscious less than ten minutes ago.” “And you were a dick. One of us got better. ↗

— Devon Monk

#humor

Laughter is the stubborn reward of grim times. ↗

— Edward McPherson

#humor #keaton #laughter #humor

Why is it suddenly uncool to spell? That's all I want to know. ↗

— MaryJanice Davidson

#queen-betsy #humor

Mr. Klamp laid down the law. No tardiness, no talking above 40 decibels, no untied shoelaces, no visible undergarments, no eating, no chewing gum, no chewing tobacco, no chewing betel nuts, no chewing coca leaves, no chewing out students (unless Mr. Klamp was doing the chewing out), no chewing out teachers (unless ditto), no unnecessary displays of temper (unless ditto), no unnecessary displays of affection (no exceptions), no pets over one ounce or under one ton, and no singing, except in Bulgarian. I began to think Mr Klamp wouldn't be so bad... ↗

— Polly Shulman

#humor #rules #school #students #teachers

we train for war and fight to win. ↗

— Marcus Luttrell

#humor

My pants cut the cheese. Let one fly. Baked a batch of brownies. ↗

— Jim Benton

#humor