#humor

If you measure your happiness by the amount of liquid you have in your glass, you are either a cliché or an alcoholic. ↗

— Caprice Crane

#humor

Why do airline pilots always call passengers "folks"? I don't usually take umbrage at generic terminology--I'm one of those forward-thinkers who believes that "man" encompasses the whole darned race -- but at whatever 0'clock in the mornning. I thought it would be nice to be called sometihng that suggested unwashed masses a little less. ↗

— C.E. Murphy

#humor #urban-shaman #humor

Smartass Disciple: Master, do you really believe in the second chance? Master of Stupidity: That supports the basis of lost-then-found concept. ↗

— Toba Beta

#humor #lost-then-found #philosophy #second-chance #humor

Jenny: You didn't leave? Gareth: Of course I left. I was hungry, and I couldn't find anything to eat. I bought a loaf and some cheese. And oranges. Wait. You mean you thought I had left. Without saying a word to you. Would I do that? (Jenny nodded) Gareth: Damn it. You know better than most I'm no good at these things but even I am not that bad. Really, Jenny. Why would you believe such a thing of me? Jenny: I don't know, Maybe because you once told me all you wanted from me was a good shag? Gareth: I said that? (he looked surprised, then contemplative. Then apparently, he remembered and winced) God. I said that? Why did you even touch me? ↗

— Courtney Milan

#romance #humor

That’s the thing about living vicariously; it’s so much faster than actual living. In a few minutes we’ll be worrying about names for the children. ↗

— Audrey Niffenegger

#humor

This new world was already turning her into a cabbagehead, and she'd only been a part of it for an evening ↗

— Sarah MacLean

#sarah-maclean #humor

Smartass Disciple: Master, what is the secret recipe of your happiness? Master of Stupidity: If I tell you, there is nobody left to be made fun of. ↗

— Toba Beta

#happiness #humor #recipe #secret #humor

If Eric's a demon," I said slowly, "that makes you a..." "Rogue demon hunter." I blinked. "Lost in the Buffyverse, are we?" "That show was a real pain in my ass," he muttered. ↗

— Lori Handeland

#humor

I think it would be cool if we wore suits while we committed these violent acts of retribution. Not fancy suits. No. Cheap suits that we won't mind ruining. Then if we're caught by the police, well, think how amazing we'll look! All bloody and torn and grizzled. Plus, suits look official. They would add an air of credibility to our campaign of blood drenched disproportionate responses. ↗

— Joey Comeau

#violence #humor

There was another group of students already filing down the hall. College students. We looked like babies beside them. The college girls tossed their hair and giggled. hee hee hee, two years closer to minivans and soccer practices and Botox than the girls from my bus. I wished I hadn't come. ↗

— Maggie Stiefvater

#humor