#humor

This book is a guide to living life the right way, like the Bible is for crazies and weak people (JK, bro), this book should be to you. ↗

— Eugene Mirman

#life

Hippos are the very definition of Disney cute. There is no way you could look at a big, fat, squishy, huggable hippo and not think, "Id she could talk like a human, she would sound just like Jada Pinkett Smith and be oh so sassy." You would totally name her Sassy-baskets, and she would be your tutu-wearing, ballet-dancing, strut-walking pal for life. Just you and Sassy-baskets against the world! ↗

— Cracked.com

#humor #internet #sassy #zombies #life

The only way a woman can ever reform a man is by boring him so completely that he loses all possible interest in life. ↗

— Oscar Wilde

#men #reform #women #humor

No other formula gives your baby a better start in life except that stuff that comes out of you for free. ↗

— Tina Fey

#humor

Okay, that was, I have to say, about the cheesiest thing I ever heard in my life,” I say to Angela as we’re milling around afterward. We hug, so Billy can take our picture. “I mean, seriously. Just be? You should write ads for Nike. ↗

— Cynthia Hand

#clara #humor #humor

I stood on Susan Boone's front porch, feeling lame. But then, since I've pretty much felt lame my entire life, this was no big surprise. On the other hand, usually I felt lame for no particular reason. This time I really had a reason to feel lame. ↗

— Meg Cabot

#lame #life #meg-cabot #humor

Looking out of the window at the infinite sky, I prayed out, 'Dear Baby Jesus, I am sorry for my sin, even though I do not know what they are, which seems a bit unfair if it is going to be held against me. But that is your way. And I am not questioning your wisdomosity. In future, however, would it be possible for my life to be not so entirely crap? Thank you. ↗

— Louise Rennison

#humor

I'm half good and I'm half bad. My mama is a very good girl and my daddy is a very bad boy. And I guess that leaves me somewhere sort of...here. ↗

— C. JoyBell C.

#bad-boys #good #good-and-evil #humor #humorous-quotations

My dick didn't seem to be aware that she was there. She kept asking me what was wrong, and I was so out of it that I thought she meant what was wrong with the world, so I started talking about global poverty and shit. I'm not surprised she left. I suspect she won't be coming back. ↗

— Nikki Sixx

#sex #humor

Be generous with your smile and try not to frown. And you will see my children; your smile will never let you down ☺ ↗

— Benny Bellamacina

#education #educational #humorous #poetry #wisdom