#humor

I am officially turning him over to you. He's your problem now. You'll have to watch out for him and that won't be easy. He's naive, gullible, immature, horribly unsophisticated, ignorant about anything worth knowing, and idealistic to a fault." He paused to make a show of thinking harder. "He's also indecisive, pathetically honest, a horrible liar, and too virtuous for words. He gets up twice each night to relieve himself, wads his clothes rather than folds them, chews with his mouth open, and talks with his mouth full. He has a nasty habit of cracking his knuckles every morning at breakfast, and, of course, he snores. To remedy that, just put a rock under his blanket. ↗

— Michael J. Sullivan

#humor #friendship

We’re all under the streetlamps, everyone’s the color of day-old piss. When I’m fifty, this is how I’ll remember my friends: tired and yellow and drunk. ↗

— Junot Díaz

#humor

Thomas had a depressing - and scary - thought. 'Am I . . . replacing someone? Did somebody get killed?' Minho shook his head. 'No, we're just training you - someone'll want a break. Don't worry, it's been a while since a Runner was killed.' For some reason that last statement worried Thomas, though he hoped it didn't show on his face. ↗

— James Dashner

#humor

Let us draw the curtain of charity over the rest of this scene ↗

— Mark Twain

#humor

What in the name of Zeus's testicles? ↗

— Darynda Jones

#humor

I was a smart-ass, born and raised. This had been my curse and would continue to be so. ↗

— David Sedaris

#humor

Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#humor

You think I gave you crack?" "Maybe." Is there anything about me that screams crack?" He grinned as he swayed. "Your butt crack," he whispered before dissolving into giggles. ↗

— T.J. Klune

#humor

Good madonna, give me leave to prove you a fool. ↗

— William Shakespeare

#fool #humor #labels #olivia #twelfth-night

Some days you're Superman, some days you're Clark Kent. ↗

— Liza Palmer

#humor