#humor

I had no idea what I was paying James, but based on his picnic-assembling skills alone, he needed a raise. ↗

— Lish McBride

#salary #humor

That was one problem with dramatic exits: Sometimes they wound up making you look like a bubblehead. ↗

— Scott Westerfeld

#humor

Wiggles hissed as I crossed the floor toward the throne. She fixed me with her empty hateful eyes and smelled the air, her long tongue shivering through the slit of the lipless mouth. Nice to see you too, sweetheart. Remember my cattle prod? ↗

— Ilona Andrews

#ilona-andrews #magic-bites #humor

Squaring numbers are just like women. If they're under thirteen, just do them in your head. ↗

— Bo Burnham

#humor

In WASP families, if you don't get along with someone, you have as little to do with them as possible. In Jewish families, you move next door, to make them as miserable as possible. ↗

— Doreen Orion

#culture #culture-critique #family #family-drama #family-relationships

I know it's practical for career women, but sneakers with suits? Jesus couldn't possibly weep harder than I did. ↗

— MaryJanice Davidson

#fashion #humor #vampires #humor

Maybe he's been in Africa so long he has forgotten that we Christians have our own system of marriage, and it is called Monotony. ↗

— Barbara Kingsolver

#humor

In any case, it's the cowardice of people like you who give dictators the chance to install themselves! ↗

— Marjane Satrapi

#memoir #young_adult #humor

And he gave it for his opinion, "that whoever could make two ears of corn, or two blades of grass, to grow upon a spot of ground where only one grew before, would deserve better of mankind, and do more essential service to his country, than the whole race of politicians put together. ↗

— Jonathan Swift

#humor #politics #humor

You're a very odd man," said Bert. "I get that more often than you'd think," replied Charles. ↗

— James A. Owen

#sanity #humor