#humor

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny Youngman, comedian and violinist (1906-1998) ↗

— Henny Youngman

#life-lessons #humor

I HAVE A HEARTBURN AND DIAHREA AT THE MOMENT--LIFE'S ABITCH. CHAT LATER? [signed] SORE TUSH ↗

— Mitch Albom

#humor

I wish we could make out in your bed." Noah sighed. "As do I, but I'm afraid we have ritual burning to conduct." "It's always something." "Isn't it though? ↗

— Michelle Hodkin

#humor

Nothing - really, absolutely nothing - says more about Victorian Britain and its capacity for brilliance than that the century's most daring and iconic building was entrusted to a gardener. ↗

— Bill Bryson

#humor #humor

Maybe we ought to look at a guy's response to our microwave from now on." Aunt Annie said. Really." Mom said. "The narcissist looks at his reflection in it. The OCD guy thinks you don't keep it clean enough.The antisocial--" Puts his fist through it because it reminds him of his father." Annie said. She'd read all of mom's books, too. And the paranoid one would be jealous of the amount of time you spend cooking." Mom said Were you using that microwave again? Is something going on between the two of you? I caught you looking right at its clock." Annie said. ↗

— Deb Caletti

#inspirational #humor

After the alarm clock, it is the turn of Mr Kellogg to shame us into action. 'Rise and Shine!' he exhorts us from the Corn Flakes packet. The physical act of crunching cornflakes or other cereals is portraied in TV advertising as working an amazing alchemy on slothful human beings: the incoherent, unshaven sluggard (bad) is magically transformed into a smart and jolly worker full of vigour and purpose (good) by the positive power of cereal. Kellogg himself, tellingly, was a puritanical health-nut who never had sex (he preferred enemas). Such are the architects of our daily life. ↗

— Tom Hodgkinson

#humor

somehow people forget that there is God.... what more to us we're just individuals,, to forget is part of imperfections.. ↗

— Orosa Nakpil Malate

#life-lessons #humor

The twinkling of an eye. That is the most wonderful expression. I've thought from time to time it was the best thing in life, that little incandescence you see in people when the charm of a thing strikes them, or the humor of it. 'The light of the eyes rejoiceth the heart.' That's a fact. ↗

— Marilynne Robinson

#humor

Pam was a struggling artist who made everyone's life difficult. She only wore black and after becoming acquainted with her I couldn't decide if this was a deliberate fashion choice or whether it was physically impossible for any color to escape from the gravitational pull of her dark and bitter personality. ↗

— Bob Smith

#black-clothing #humor #humor

I like a man who can be a real friend, has a good sense of humor, a good pair of shoes and a healthy gold card. ↗

— Victoria Beckham

#friend #gold #good #good pair #good sense