#humor

It's never just a game when you're winning. ↗

— George Carlin

#humor

In love, as in life, one misheard word can be tremendously important. If you tell someone you love them, for instance, you must be absolutely certain that they have replied "I love you back" and not "I love your back" before you continue the conversation. ↗

— Lemony Snicket

#life #love #misheard-words #humor

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation? ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor

There is a proverbial saying chiefly concerned with warning against too closely calculating the numerical value of un-hatched chicks. ↗

— Neil Gaiman

#humor

Even a fool recognizes that there is great sadness in a bucket of tears. But only a wise man thinks to conserve water and use that bucket to wash his car. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #sadness #tear #wisdom #wise-man

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor #humor

Your stepfather? I'd like to meet him." Oh no... why? "I'm not sure that's a good idea." Christian unlocks the door, his mouth in a grim line. "Are you ashamed of me?" "No!" It's my turn to sound exasperated. "Introduce you to my dad as what? 'This is the man who deflowered me and wants to start a BDSM relationship'. You're not wearing running shoes. ↗

— E.L. James

#humor #humor

Brianna dropped the skateboard in front of Sam. "Don't worry: I won't let you fall off." "Yeah? Then why did you bring the helmet?" Brianna tossed it to him. "In case you fall off. ↗

— Michael Grant

#humor #safety #skateboarding #humor

Freddie experienced the sort of abysmal soul-sadness which afflicts one of Tolstoy's Russian peasants when, after putting in a heavy day's work strangling his father, beating his wife, and dropping the baby into the city's reservoir, he turns to the cupboards, only to find the vodka bottle empty. ↗

— P.G. Wodehouse

#humor #moroseness #russia #satire #sorrow

I might have known,” said Eeyore. “After all, one can’t complain. I have my friends. Somebody spoke to me only yesterday. And was it last week or the week before that Rabbit bumped into me and said ‘Bother!’. The Social Round. Always something going on. ↗

— A.A. Milne

#friends #humor #pooh #winnie-the-pooh #humor