#humor

Call them what you want. Garden gnomes. Lawn ornaments. Little evil outdoor statuary hell-bent on world domination. It doesn't matter. What does matter is that, right now, they're hiding in plain sight, pretending to be symbols of merriment and good will. ↗

— Chuck Sambuchino

#humor

I want to be your friend," I said. "Excuse me?" he asked "I want us to be friends," I said. Gordy stepped back. "I assure you" he said. "I am not a homosexual. ↗

— Sherman Alexie The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian

#humor

I crossed my arms. "You're saying I'm not usually polite?" He staged a sigh. "It's amazing how quickly I can regret saying something with you…" "I'm polite. I'm very fucking polite. ↗

— Lani Diane Rich

#humor

There are two Venices I know about and one of them is a hotel in Vegas. The other is an L.A. beach where pretty girls walk their dogs while wearing as little as possible and mutant slabs of tanned, posthuman beef sip iced steroid lattes and pump iron until their pecs are the size of Volkswagens. ↗

— Richard Kadrey

#humor #society #humor

Are you sure you weren't adopted?" "Mom would like to think so, but it was a natural birth, so her memory's real clear. ↗

— Jana Deleon

#humor #humor

hobos' (a slang term that combines the words 'hope' and 'bowl of beans given to me for free by a woman who then initiated intercourse') ↗

— Patton Oswalt

#satire #humor

These cities grew in approximately the same places as our cities do now, however different the shape of the continents was. There was even a New York that in some way resembled the New York familiar to all of you, but was much newer, or, rather, more awash with new products, new toothbrushes, a New York with its own Manhattan that stretched out dense with skyscrapers gleaming like the nylon bristles of a brand-new toothbrush. ↗

— Italo Calvino

#humor #surreal #humor

When a woman wants me to do anything (my daughter, or not, it doesn't matter), I always insist on knowing why. The oftener you make them rummage their own minds for a reason, the more manageable you will find them in all the relations of life. It isn't their fault (poor wretches!) that they act first and think afterwards; it's the fault of the fools who humour them. ↗

— Wilkie Collins

#humor

tea. He watched her while she made it, made it, of course, all wrong: the water not on the boil, the teapot unheated, too few leaves. She said, "I never quite understand why English people like teas so. ↗

— Graham Greene

#humor

When the bishop farted we were amused to hear about it. Should the ploughboy find treasure we must be told. But when the ploughboy farts... er... keep it to yourself. ↗

— Kingsley Amis

#humour #humor