#humor

It’s often said when a baby is born so is a grandparent; well, for me it turned out that when I was born it was also the birth of a Ding Dong. ↗

— Lisa A. Tortorello

#grandparents #humor #inspirational #love #family

If the self-help books worked, it would be a shrinking industry not a growing one. ↗

— Steve Maraboli

#humor #life #self-help #humor

The mai tai got its name when two Polynesian alcoholics got in a fight over some neckwear. ↗

— George Carlin

#humor

I believe that ignorance is the root of all evil. And that no one knows the truth. ↗

— Molly Ivins

#humor #truth #humor

[Janco] paused. His eyes held a distant gleam as if seeing into his past. 'My first practice was a shock. I was a cocky smart aleck--' [Opal] 'Was?' [J] 'Be quiet. I'm telling a story here. ↗

— Maria V. Snyder

#storytelling #humor

The baby dove into the room, transforming grotesquely as it landed on the floorin a deft sumersault ↗

— Brandon Mull

#humor

We have to actually choose a name," Kane murmured above her head. "We can't keep calling him 'baby.' When he's fifteen he might resent it. ↗

— Christine Feehan

#children #humor #humor

Bein' rich is having leftovers. Good leftovers make yo' tongue fly outta yo' mouth and smack yo' brains out. ↗

— Paula H. Deen

#humor #southern #food

Screw up my life?" He stared at me for a second and then said, deadpan, "I'm a five-foot-three, thirty-seven-year-old, single, Jewish medical examiner who needs to pick up his lederhosen from the dry cleaners so that he can play in a one-man polka band at Oktoberfest tomorrow." He pushed up his glasses with his forefinger, folded his arms, and said, "Do your worst. ↗

— Jim Butcher

#humor #humor

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I might be a vampire so I don't give a shit. I'll heal ↗

— Gena Showalter

#humor #vampire #humor