#humor

When she brought Mira up, Eve gave Roarke another glance. "Don't talk to him," she warned. "He can get bitchy when he's in this deep. I don't know if we have any of that tea stuff." "I had it stocked, and I don't get bitchy. Bloody, buggering HELL." Eve just rolled her eyes and got the tea. ↗

— J.D. Robb

#humor #roarke #death

I broke up with this girl, and they put me with a psychiatrist who said, 'Why did you get so depressed, and do all those things you did?' I said, 'I wanted this girl and she left me.' And he said,'Well, we have to look into that.' And I said, 'There's nothing to look into! I wanted her and she left me.' And he said, 'Well, why are you feeling so intense?' And I said, 'Cause I want the girl!' And he said, 'What's underneath it?' And I said, 'Nothing!' He said, 'I'll have to give you medication.' I said, 'I don't want medication! I want the girl!' And he said, 'We have to work this through.' So, I took a fire extinguisher from the casement and struck him across the back of his neck. And before I knew it, guys from Con Ed had jumper cables in my head and the rest was... ↗

— Woody Allen

#film #funny #humor #funny

I love the smell of a new book, but I prefer inhaling fresh bottles of ink and glue. They get me more lightheaded – unless I read the book. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #funny

Let me get you all some punch,” I said. “You're leaving us?” said Isabel, sounding panicky. “I'll be right back,” I promised. “If anyone comes near you, just scream and run. ↗

— Kenneth Oppel

#funny #humor #kate #matt #oppel

I turned back to the television. After a while what I was staring at registered. “Hey, this is The Long Goodbye." Jake opened his eyes. “What?" "This movie. It's Robert Altman's take on Chandler's The Long Goodbye. ‘Nothing says good-bye like a bullet.’” "I don't know,” said Jake. “Sometimes the words are enough. ↗

— Josh Lanyon

#humor #jake-riordan #josh-lanyon #humor

Every letter was a love letter. Of course, as love letters went, this one could have been better. It was not very promising, for instance, that Madeleine claimed not to want to see him for the next half-century. ↗

— Jeffrey Eugenides

#love-letter #humor

I'll bet I'm as old as you are." "I'm older than Sanskrit." "Well, I was waitress at the Last Supper." "I'm so old I remember when McDonald's had only sold a hundred burgers." "You win. ↗

— Tom Robbins

#humor

I thought of several alec smart remarks, but you should humor crazy people when you're at their mercy; it's a rule. ↗

— Laurell K. Hamilton

#chimera #narcissus-in-chains #humor

POKSI (Physically Okay but Socially Inept) ↗

— Jody Gehrman

#humor

What she means is, I might look like a pussy but I'm really a badass demon. ↗

— Jaye Wells

#humor #minion #silver-tongued-devil #humor