#humor

If you are able to introduce a white person to a new cheese, it's like introducing them to a future spouse. ↗

— Christian Lander

#food #humor #white-people #food

I'm never going to believe a Poirot mystery again. Never. All those witnesses going, "Yes, I remember it was 3:06 p.m. exactly, because I glanced at the clock as I reached for the sugar tongs, and Lady Favisham was quite clearly sitting on the right-hand side of the fireplace." Bollocks. They have no idea where Lady Favisham was, they just don't want to admit it in front of Poirot. I'm amazed he gets anywhere. ↗

— Sophie Kinsella

#humor #poirot #humor

You never want to look in a mirror," Lula said. "Men love mirrors. They look at themselves doing the deed and they see Rex the Wonder Horse. Women look at themselves and think they need to renew their membership at the gym. ↗

— Janet Evanovich

#humor #mirror #sex #humor

My office is in a building in midtown Chicago. It's an older building, and not in the best of shape, especially since there was that problem with the elevator last year. I don't care what anyone says, that wasn't my fault. when a giant scorpion the size of an Irish wolfhound is tearing its way through the roof of your elevator car, you get real willing to take desperate measures. ↗

— Jim Butcher

#humor #humor

Jake leaned on the horn, swearing loudly. Gina covered her eyes. Doc flung his arms around me, burying his face in my lap, and Dopey, to my great surprise, began to scream like a girl, very close to my ear.... ↗

— Meg Cabot

#humor #humor

Stay fit and live long and prosper, but write your own obituary now, while you can, just in case. ↗

— Jill Conner Browne

#mississippi #humor

Baby?" She perched beside him in the chair. "You're kidding me right?" "I was trying it out, no?" "no," she said firmly Simon & Clary ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#humor

That night was a dark day. Of course, all nights are dark days, because night is simply a badly lit version of day, ... ↗

— Lemony Snicket

#humor #night #humor

And you've got a boy right there who looks at you like he would drink your bathwater if you'd ask him! ↗

— Abbi Glines

#jax #ms-mary #humor

Mouth in gear, brain stuck in neutral. ↗

— Devon Monk

#humor