#humor

May you and your triple cursed wash water turn purple with orange spots and fall down a bottomless pit! ↗

— Patricia C. Wrede

#humor #humor

↑ top up position down The fact that I suspect I'm an asshole means I probably am not, because a real asshole doesn't think he's an asshole, does he? Therefore, by realizing that I'm an asshole, I am in fact negating that very realization, am I not? Descartes's Asshole Axiom: I think I am; therefor I'm not one. ↗

— Jonathan Tropper

#humor #jonathan-tropper #humor

I’d always thought I was above being fascinated by anyone but myself. ↗

— Maggie Stiefvater

#humor

Why are there so many people out here?' Boomer asked as we bobbed and weaved roughly forward. 'Christmas shopping.' I explained. 'Already? Isn't it early to returning things?' I really had no sense of how his mind worked. ↗

— David Levithan

#christmas-shopping #dash #humor #lol #no-sense

Professor Longbottom only assigned us to write about spynuswort because it’s one of the three most useful plants in the magical world. If we were to write about every one of its uses, we’d be turning in encyclopedias, you silly boy. ↗

— G. Norman Lippert

#humor

So, Belle, what's new today?" Dad," I said, grasping his hands and looking directly into his eyes. "I'm in the deepest love that has ever occurred in the history of the world." Gosh, Belle. When someone asks you 'What's new?' the correct answer is 'Not much'. Besides, isn't it a little soon to cut yourself off from the rest of your peers, depending on a boyfriend to satisfy your social needs as opposed to making friends? Imagine what would happen if something forced that boy to leave! I'm imagining pages and pages would happen - with nothing but the names of the months on them. ↗

— The Harvard Lampoon

#humor

And then Dieter was like, 'Over my dead body!' "And I was thinking my roomie was about to get his wish. "And then Rei got super vampy and was like, 'Yield to my power!' "And then Dieter started grunting and looked super uncomfortable. "And then Rei took a step forward. "And then Dieter dropped to his knees, but a moment later he started going 'Reee!' "And I was like, 'Oh, for the love of God, please don't kill me.' "And then Rei walked over and elbowed him in the head.... "That's about it. Oh, and there were grenades. ↗

— B. Justin Shier

#humor

Let me be sure I understand this babies thing. These items are how big? . . . And they come out of WHERE? ↗

— Wendy Bertsch

#humor

Blessed are those who drink for they shall never be dehydrated (their kidneys would probably need help later though but until then.. bottoms up!) ↗

— Bisola Akinduro

#humor

She had a voice so husky it could have pulled a dogsled, and the gun she was holding gave me a bad case of barrel envy. ↗

— Patrick Major Dallas OR

#dogs #gun #humor #husky #metaphor