#humor

I always pass on good advice, it is the only thing to do with it.It is never of any use to oneself. ↗

— Oscar Wilde

#humor #humor

There were no windows in my bedroom, so I had to sit up and read my clock to figure out how angry I should be at my visitor. Eight A.M. I hated whoever woke me up. Had they come an hour earlier, I would have also hated their families and any household pets. ↗

— Lish McBride

#humor #family

The biggest challenge after success is shutting up about it. ↗

— Criss Jami

#arrogance #arrogant #boasting #bragging #challenges

Xxxx xxxx x xxxx, xxxxx xxx x xxx xxx x xxxx. Xxxx xxxx xxxx x xxxxx xxxx xx Xxxxxxx. ↗

— Pseudonymous Bosch

#funny #humor #nonsense #pseudonymous #the-name-of-this-book-is-secret

Who knew hitting my head and passing out would be so much fun? ↗

— P.C. Cast

#funny #humor #marked #funny

We rode the merry-go-round like a couple of lovers. We weren’t though; we were just two horse enthusiasts from two different worlds (I think she was from Mars).
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #fun-absurd #funny #horses #humor

*Appendix usually means "small outgrowth from large intestine," but in this case it means "additional information accompanying main text." Or are those really the same things? Think carefully before you insult this book. ↗

— Pseudonymous Bosch

#boch #funny #humor #pseudonymous #funny

I always keep a Ziploc bag in my pocket, and wherever I go I fill up my bag with dirt, because my goal is to be the largest land holder in the world by the time I'm 42. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #land-holder #real-estate #funny

The police called it choking, but I called it a two-handed neck hug. That’s how I knew she really loved me. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#attempted-murder #authorities #choke #choking #crime

Marry me. Nay, marriage will cost us precious moments together. Let us make sweet, passionate love right here. Let me bear your children.” A primal growl signaled Miss Lynn getting over her shock at being thus addressed. She lunged forward; Jack deftly rolled off the bench, jumping up out of her reach. “Goodness, I didn’t expect you to be quite this enthusiastic about my advances. If I don’t play hard to get, how will I ever know whether or not you respect me? ↗

— Kiersten White

#funny-humor #hard-to-get #funny