#humor

If I was going to go out tonight, I was going to go out fighting. Or screaming in agony. Either way. ↗

— Darynda Jones

#humor

Listen carefully, Lucas Steele, because I will only say this once. I am NOT your mate, I will never be your mate, and if you ever put your hands on me again I will cut them off along with other body parts you might want to use one day. Got it?" Jacque told him with as much force as she could put behind her words. ↗

— Quinn Loftis

#humorous #jacque #prince-of-wolves #warewolves #humor

Why won't the light just shut up...? I swear I'll never drink again... someone please kill me..." -Britain (he was hung-over), Hetalia: Axis Powers ↗

— Hidekaz Himaruya

#humor

Snooki is a bestselling author? Huh? What? I don't know if I should dumb down my book, shoot myself or find a publisher who'll settle for a rough draft written on a Pop-Tart and a coconut lotion handie.. ↗

— Geoffrey Hill

#writing #humor

If you forget your lines, you had better mumble with conviction. ↗

— Connie Brockway

#conviction #humor #humor

I am officially turning him over to you. He's your problem now. You'll have to watch out for him and that won't be easy. He's naive, gullible, immature, horribly unsophisticated, ignorant about anything worth knowing, and idealistic to a fault." He paused to make a show of thinking harder. "He's also indecisive, pathetically honest, a horrible liar, and too virtuous for words. He gets up twice each night to relieve himself, wads his clothes rather than folds them, chews with his mouth open, and talks with his mouth full. He has a nasty habit of cracking his knuckles every morning at breakfast, and, of course, he snores. To remedy that, just put a rock under his blanket. ↗

— Michael J. Sullivan

#humor #friendship

We’re all under the streetlamps, everyone’s the color of day-old piss. When I’m fifty, this is how I’ll remember my friends: tired and yellow and drunk. ↗

— Junot Díaz

#humor

Thomas had a depressing - and scary - thought. 'Am I . . . replacing someone? Did somebody get killed?' Minho shook his head. 'No, we're just training you - someone'll want a break. Don't worry, it's been a while since a Runner was killed.' For some reason that last statement worried Thomas, though he hoped it didn't show on his face. ↗

— James Dashner

#humor

Dad, one of my first memories is of sharing my worry with you about the space shuttle poking holes in the atmosphere and letting out all of Earth's air. ↗

— Brent Weeks

#humor

Let us draw the curtain of charity over the rest of this scene ↗

— Mark Twain

#humor