#humor

Every schoolteacher with a chalkboard is a groundbreaking musician, but their audiences are too old-fashioned to realize it. They’re too distracted by what’s being written to just listen. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #music #funny

If my life’s work could fit on a stamp, I’d want you to lick it before I die. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #life #funny

I asked my doctor for the best gift ever: Life. Still, he wouldn’t take one for me. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #funny

Hunger Games and A New Hope: Hero rises up from the poorest place in the galaxy. Put through some challenges. Finds romance and a side-kick. Somebody dies. Check Catching Fire and Empire Strikes Back: Totalitarian government strikes back, some other people die, and the rebellion starts gaining momentun. Mockingjay/Return of the Jedi: Bunch of minor characters die, and then one major one. Rebellion wins, if in an unexpected way. Characters all get married. I think Suzanne Collins has some explaining to do. ↗

— Caleb Eversole

#funny #humor #hunger-games #star-wars #funny

His heart beat so rapidly it might burst; he kept telling himself everything was fine so long as he remained a giraffe. ↗

— Andrew Sturm

#funny #humor #kirkwood #project #funny

Bildon killed Tad. Look, there’s his dagger hidden in the pot of semolina. There’s the proof,” he screamed. “It’s in the pudding.” What an idiot, thought Madrick as he raced up the steps, the proof is always in the eating. ↗

— Ken Magee

#funny-humor #humor #humour #funny

Never in his life had he hit a girl, nor would he. But, right now, he wanted to kick that NSA cutie in the ass cheek. ↗

— Shane Scollins

#humor #funny

They say laughter is the best medicine, and I agree. Plus, it’s free, has no bad side effects and is available to EVERYONE. ↗

— Mindy Levy

#humor #laughter #funny

Unless you're fucking me, don't put your hands on me. ↗

— Diana Rowland

#humor #zombie #funny

Let love find you. Don’t go looking for it. The best way to attract a mate is to post an ad on Craigslist titled, “Have lube, will travel. ↗