#humor

To God I speak Spanish, to women Italian, to men French, and to my horse - German. ↗

— Emperor Charles V

#humorous-quotes #languages #humor

I have a theory about pink pastry boxes. So much joy comes from those boxes. When someone walks into a room with a pink pastry box, joy immediately fills the room. World peace? Three words. Pink pastry box. I get a big cup of coffee and finalize my plans for world domination. ↗

— Liza Palmer

#humor

Oh, God, I don't know what's more difficult, life or the English language. ↗

— Jonathan Ames

#humor #humor

MEG (to Dante, the vampire):“Vampires aren’t as cool as I expected them to be. In romance novels, vampires are all dark and broody and sexy. In real life, you talk an awful lot about stocks. ↗

— Sophie Oak

#paranormal-romance #vampires #humor

Ivy did as she was told, face serious and concentrated. “I shield in the name of fashion. I accessorize for one and all. Pursuit of truth is my passion. This I vow by the great parasol. ↗

— Gail Carriger

#proper-etiquette #vows #humor

The fish in the creek said nothing. Fish never do. Few people know what fish think about injustice, or anything else. ↗

— Ursula K. Le Guin

#fish #humor #humor

Our children will be smart AND beautiful. ↗

— Leonard Hofstadter

#beauty

See?" I crowed. "I know what I'm doing. Two weeks, tops, and you'll be begging to dip your fries in my shake." "You think?" It took me about a second before I realized I'd done it again. My mouth seriously needed a chaperone. ↗

— Elise Allen

#humor #teens #humor

Don't be ridiculous, man," said Ridcully, "there's no such thing as dwarf smuggling." "Yeah? Then what's that you've got there?" "I'm a giant," said Casanunda. "Giants are a lot bigger." "I've been ill. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#humor

Dear Bill (O'Reilly)...I am concerned that you have been losing touch with reality recently. Did you really say you are more powerful than any politician? That reminds me of the famous story about Squeaky the Chicago Mouse. It seems that Squeaky was floating on his back along the Chicago River one day. Approaching the Michigan Avenue lift bridge, he called out: Raise the bridge! I have an erection! ↗

— Roger Ebert

#politics #humor