#humor

To answer your question, you want me because I'm made of awesome. ↗

— Gena Showalter

#humor #funny

I want my time to be taken up by chores, errands, appointments, and arguments. In other words, I want to get married. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#argue #arguments #chores #cynicism #desire

I’m stuck babysitting turtle eggs while a volleyball player slash grease monkey slash aquarium volunteer tries to hit on me.” I’m not hitting on you,” he protested. No?” Believe me, you’d know if I was hitting on you. You wouldn’t be able to stop yourself from succumbing to my charms. ↗

— Nicholas Sparks

#humor #love #humor

Thanks,” I muttered and added under my breath, “Douchebag.” He laughed, deep and throaty. “Now that’s not very ladylike, Kittycat.” I whipped around. “Don’t ever call me that,” I snapped. “It’s better than calling someone a douchebag, isn’t it?” He pushed out the door. “This has been a stimulating visit. I’ll cherish it for a long time to come.” Okay. That was it. “You know, you’re right. How wrong of me to call you a douchebag. Because a douchebag is too nice of a word for you,” I said, smiling sweetly. “You’re a dickhead.” “A dickhead?” he repeated. “How charming.” I flipped him off. ↗

— Jennifer L. Armentrout

#humor

You're a stalker with hooves." "I am not! I followed her to the Big House and hid in a bush and watched the whole thing. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#humor #percy-jackson #stalker #humor

Z: "You know, this was a hell of a lot easier when you were out cold in the back of that truck." Phury: "That was you?" Z:"You think it was Santa Claus or some shit? ↗

— J.R. Ward

#humor #j-r-ward #phury #zsadist #humor

Everybody finished the song at different times. At last, only the Weasley twins were left singing along to a very slow funeral march. ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#humor

They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do just as well — you just realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference. ↗

— Bill Hicks

#humor #humor

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck ↗

— George Carlin

#humor

Sometimes, I feel discriminated against, but it does not make me angry. It merely astonishes me. How can any deny themselves the pleasure of my company? It’s beyond me. ↗

— Zora Neale Hurston

#humor #self-assurance #self-worth #humor