#humor

The baby bat Screamed out in fright, 'Turn on the dark, I'm afraid of the light. ↗

— Shel Silverstein

#dark #fear #humor #light #humor

Frank stared at her. "But you throw Ding Dongs at monsters." Iris looked horrified. "Oh, they're not Ding Dongs." She rummaged under the counter and brought out a package of chocolate covered cakes that looked exactly like Ding Dongs. "These are gluten-free, no-sugar-added, vitamin-enriched, soy-free, goat-milk-and-seaweed-based cupcake simulations." "All natural!" Fleecy chimed in. "I stand corrected." Frank suddenly felt as queasy as Percy. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#humor #iris #percy-jackson #rick-riordan #humor

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor #nonsense #humor

Do you like to slide?" His voice was eager. Stair rails! Did he suspect me? I forced a sigh. "No, Majesty. I'm terrified of heights." "Oh." His polite tone had returned. "I wish I could enjoy it. This fear of heights is an affliction." He nodded, a show of sympathy but not much interest. I was losing him. "Especially," I added, "as I've grown taller. ↗

— Gail Carson Levine

#wit #humor

It's not that I want you to go, it's just that I don't want you to stay." - China Sorrows - ↗

— Derek Landy

#humor #landy #leaving #skuldugerry-pleasant #wanting

Be sure to lie to your kids about the benevolent, all-seeing Santa Claus. It will prepare them for an adulthood of believing in God. ↗

— Scott Dikkers

#atheism #childhood #humor #kids #parenting

Holy mother!" "Hmph. More like holy father. I'd think you'd know the difference." -Hephaetus ↗

— Rick Riordan

#humor #humor

The ability to speak does not make you intelligent. ↗

— George Lucas

#sci-fi #star-wars #humor

When I die of heart failure the next time you frighten me like that, you can put that on my gravestone —‘I didn’t mean to startle her ↗

— Patricia Briggs

#epitaph #humor #masques #humor

I'd like to have money. And I'd like to be a good writer. These two can come together, and I hope they will, but if that's too adorable, I'd rather have money. ↗

— Dorothy Parker

#humor