#humor

You spit in this?" "Yup." Chris shrugged. "As long as you're honest. ↗

— R.L. Mathewson

#humor

You make me sound like an arrogant ass," he said. "Are you?" "No! I'm just me. ↗

— P.C. Cast

#dragon #funny #humor #funny

In a low whisper she was certain only her friend could hear, she said, "I specifically remember we both promised never to drink from any man's goblet of wine. From the looks of you, Frances Catherine, I'm thinking you broke your word. ↗

— Julie Garwood

#humor

When there's a monster under your bed sometimes it really is best not to look. ↗

— Jocelynn Drake

#asylum-tales #humor #ignorance #philosophical #thoughts

I am to be converted to the joys of knitting,' said Mrs. Ali, smiling at the Major. 'My condolences,' he said. ↗

— Helen Simonson

#knitting #humor

About your writing with you left hand, are you ambidextrous, Mr. Ewell?" "I most positively am not, I can use one hand good as the other. One hand good as the other. ↗

— Harper Lee

#humor

Where's your instruction manual?" I asked him. "What's the baby customer-service number? ↗

— Lisa Kleypas

#humor

A hug a day keeps the bad boys away. ↗

— Jim Anderson

#day #hug #humor #inspirational #humor

When I was a kid," Orr replied, "I used to walk around all day with crab apples in my cheeks. One in each cheek." ... A minute passed. "Why?" [Yossarian] found himself forced to ask finally. Orr tittered triumphantly. "Because they're better than horse chestnuts... When I couldn't get crab apples," Orr continued, "I used horse chestnuts. Horse chestnuts are about the same size as crab apples and actually have a better shape, although the shape doesn't matter a bit." "Why did you walk around with crab apples in your cheeks?" Yossarian asked again. "That's what I asked." "Because they've got a better shape than horse chestnuts," Orr answered. "I just told you that." "Why," swore Yossarian at him approvingly, "you evil-eyed, mechanically aptituded, disaffiliated son of a bitch, did you walk around with anything in your cheeks?" "I didn't," Orr said, "walk around with anything in my cheeks. I walked around with crab applies in my cheeks. When I couldn't get crab apples I walked around with horse chestnuts. In my cheeks. ↗

— Joseph Heller

#humor

That was easy for him to say when his cell phone was rounding third base. If anyone got a home run tonight, I didn't want it to be Verizon Wireless. ↗

— Rosemary Clement-Moore

#humor #humor