#humor

I rolled my eyes." Has anyone told you you have the maturity level of a four-year-old? ↗

— Julie Kagawa

#humor

I want to reach in my pants, pull out my virginity, wrap it up and put a bow on it. Or maybe stick it in a gift bag from Target and give it to him like a present with a nice card that says, "Thank you for being you! Just a little virginity to show you may gratitude! ↗

— Tara Sivec

#humour #humor

There was a sound like a human yawn, and then the skull turned slightly toward me and asked, "What's up, boss?" "Evil's afoot." "Well, sure," Bob said, "because it refuses to learn the metric system. Otherwise it'd be up to a meter by now. ↗

— Jim Butcher

#humor

We who think we are about to die will laugh at anything. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#gallows-humor #humor #laughing #death

I’ve been drunk for about a week now, and I thought it might sober me up to sit in a library. ↗

— F. Scott Fitzgerald

#humor

Two hundred Romans, and no one’s got a pen? Never mind!" He slung his M16 onto his back and pulled out a hand grenade. There were many screaming Romans. Then the hand grenade morphed into a ballpoint pen, and Mars began to write. Frank looked at Percy with wide eyes. He mouthed: Can your sword do grenade form? Percy mouthed back, No. Shut up. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#frank-zhang #heroes-of-olympus #humor #mars #percy-jackson

Dance like it hurts. Love like you need money. Work when people are watching. -- Dogbert's Motto ↗

— Scott Adams

#philosophy #humor

Sensitive," I tried. Sam translated: "Squishy." "Creative." "Dangerously emo." "Thoughtful." "Feng shui." I laughed so hard I snorted. "How do you get feng shui out of 'thoughtful'?" "You know, because in feng shui, you arrange furniture and plants and stuff in thoughtful ways." Sam shrugged. "To make you calm. Zenlike. Or something. I'm not one hundred percent sure how it all works, besides the thoughtful part. ↗

— Maggie Stiefvater

#humor #word-association #humor

And you're blind?" Uh-huh," Iggy said, trying to sound bored. Were you born that way?" No." How did you become blind, uh, Jeff, is it?" Yeah, Jeff. Well, I looked directly at the sun, you know, the way they always tell you not to. If only I had listened. ↗

— James Patterson

#humor #maximum-ride #humor

Don't ever call me mad, Mycroft. I'm not mad. I'm just ... well, differently moraled, that's all. ↗

— Jasper Fforde

#evil #humor #political-correctness #humor