#humor

When we got to the moron who was sitting in the only path to the stairway, Adam caught my waist and lifted me over before stepping over the man himself. “Scott?” Adam said as we headed upstairs. “Yeah?” “Unless someone shoots you, skins you, and throws the results on the floor, I don’t want to see you lying in the walkway again.” “Yessir! ↗

— Patricia Briggs

#humor #mercy-thompson #silver-borne #threats #humor

Our department takes 1,120 calls every day. Do you know how many of the calls the public expects perfection on? 1,120. Nobody calls the fire department and says, 'Send me two dumb-ass firemen in a pickup truck.' In three minutes they want five brain-surgeon decathlon champions to come and solve all their problems. ↗

— John Eversole

#humor #humor

Ptah? son of ptooey? What is he god of spitting? i asked ↗

— Rick Riordan

#humor

Attacking the person instead of the argument is condemned in logic, widespread in physics, and not used nearly enough in humanism. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #funny

You know, if you're an American and you're born at this time in history especially, you're lucky. We all are. We won the world history Powerball lottery. ↗

— Bill Maher

#humor #luck #humor

Xander, don't speak Latin in front of the books. ↗

— Joss Whedon

#humor #humor

It seems amazing that the Navy SEALs managed to get inside the compound and shoot Osama so efficiently. I can only imagine they were told that the mission was to rescue a bearded British hostage and he must be brought out alive. ↗

— Frankie Boyle

#humor #war-on-terror #imagination

I can only imagine what goes on in that head of yours…” he teased. “I assure you I haven’t taken up black magic, ritualistic sacrifice, or—” “Plushophilia?” I tagged on. “Excuse me?…” came his half-confused, half-intrigued reaction. “An obsession with stuffed animals,” I clarified. “I mean, you are a young one…” “Where did you come up with that?” He kept his hands firmly covering my eyes, but I could hear the amused smile in his voice. “Is that even a real word?” “I’m a doctor, I know these things,” I shrugged. ↗

— M.A. George

#paranormal-romance #sarcastic-humor #imagination

Everyone thinks that it was the big strong caveman who got the girl, and for the most part, that may have been true, but physical strength doesn't explain how our species created civilization. I think there was always some scrawny dreamer sitting at the edge of the firelight, who had the ability to imagine dangers, to look into the future in his imagination and see possibilities, and therefore survived to pass his genes on to the next generation. When the big ape men ended up running off the cliff or getting killed while trying to beat a mastodon into submission with a stick, the dreamer was standing back thinking 'Hey, that might work, but you need to run the mastodon off the cliff.' And, then he'd mate with the women left over after the go-getters got killed. ↗

— Christopher Moore

#science #imagination

Everyone is free to imagine that which could never come to pass. That is the promise of worship. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #imagination #worship #funny