#humor

Never tell anyone to be careful, never ask what that noise was, and for the love of God, never, ever say that you'll be right back." —Evelyn Baker ↗

— Seanan McGuire

#humor #humor

The internet is just a world passing notes around a classroom. ↗

— Jon Stewart

#internet #humor

Someday you'll remember what I said and you'll thank me for it." Francie wished adults would stop telling her that. Already the load of thanks in the future was weighing her down. She figured she'd have to spend the best years of her womanhood hunting up people to tell them that they were right and to thank them. ↗

— Betty Smith

#betty-smith #humor #thanks #humor

What's the trick to remembering that a sandwich is masculine? What qualities does it share with anyone in possession of a penis? I'll tell myself that a sandwich is masculine because if left alone for a week or two, it will eventually grow a beard. ↗

— David Sedaris

#humor #language #humor

Neither were you [born yesterday], unless of course I am wrong, in which case welcome to the world, little baby, and congratulations on learning to read so early in life. ↗

— Lemony Snicket

#humor

Drinking is fun! It makes me feel horrible and sexy! ↗

— Warren Ellis

#drinking #humor #humor

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. ↗

— Mel Brooks

#humor #tragedy #humor

What is Man? Man is a noisome bacillus whom Our Heavenly Father created because he was disappointed in the monkey. ↗

— Mark Twain

#evolution #humor #mankind #humor

I am in full possession of the amazing power of being sarcastic. ↗

— Sarah Rees Brennan

#sarcasm #humor

If you want to catch beasts you don't see every day, You have to go places quite out of the way, You have to go places no others can get to. You have to get cold and you have too get wet, too. ↗

— Dr. Seuss

#inspirational #humor