#humor

If money’s the god people worship, I’d rather go worship the devil instead. ↗

— Jess C. Scott

#commercialism #core #core-of-the-soul #core-values #devil

Dear Ford, I think my Ford Explorer door is broken. It just won’t close. I think this is because I don’t have the rest of the Explorer, I only have the door. It’s a passenger-side door, and I bought it from a passenger. Also, it doesn’t seem to be able to lock. I think the latch isn’t catching, or something. I think it’s missing some crucial parts, and I’d like to order them from you. I need: one frame, four wheels, a body, another door, an engine, a steering wheel, and some of those air fresheners that you stick in the vents. And I’m feeling frisky with my money, so let me go ahead and order some brakes while I’m at it. You can send the bill to the Pizza Hut on San Jose Boulevard. They’ll just deliver it to me, along with the pizza I just ordered. Thank you, Jarod Kintz ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#e-mail #ford #funny #humor #ridiculous

A Strauss waltz becomes so repetitive halfway through, the audience stops listening to it. That's the moment to start waltzing. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #music #waltzing #music

I neither require nor desire your gratitude, mistress. I want nothing in these worlds save your death." Volusian to Eugenie ↗

— Richelle Mead

#death

It’s a little early in our relationship for us to be ‘surmounting,’ but, hey, I’m game if you are. I’ll even let you be on top.” He looked directly at me, a coy smile playing on his lips. ↗

— Stacey Marie Brown

#humor #paranormal-romance #quotes #stacey-marie-brown #relationship

Revolting’ was the last word I ever spoke as someone who’d never kissed a girl. ↗

— David Mitchell

#relationships #relationship

If you feel trapped in a situation and are complaining about it, figure out how to untrap yourself and stop complaining. Save your energy for further figuring out and when there is an increase in courage. ↗

— Art Hochberg

#inspirational #art

Isn’t it amazing how you can actually remember things? Where are they when you’re not remembering them? ↗

— Art Hochberg

#inspirational #art

You could lead your life as if the whole world were watching you on TV, or you could lead your life as if no one is watching you – same thing. ↗

— Art Hochberg

#inspirational #art

The French always make our sort happy because, like us, they know how to love, they're just as good at playing the accordion, and they've made a real art of their inability to bake proper bread. ↗

— Saša Stanišić

#french #humor #self-deprecating #serbian #to-love